SkypeBite: Karachi project revealed

This week Humor Unplugged had a not so lengthy conversation with Syed Salahuddin, the Chief Terror Officer of the Karachi Project, a joint venture between Pakistani government, the ISI and the Lashkar-e-Toiba. In this Skype chat, SS speaks about the project, its aims and the people who call the shots.

RS: tell us something about the Karachi project.
SS: The project was conceived almost 6 years back. We had met a delegation of Chinese businessmen who had just returned from Nigeria. They told us how the Chinese used to sell inferior medicines with a ‘Made in India” tag to reduce the sales of Indian medicines there.  It had worked quite well till the government there got suspicious and kicked the Chinese out of Nigeria.

We thought that we could adapt the same model for terrorism in the sub continent. We could use a few militants who will infiltrate India, train a few locals and strike against Indian targets under an Indian name. The idea was to ensure complete deniability and to project the whole thing as a home grown terrorist group.  We provide everything right up to the execution phase, which is done by the brainwashed locals, if not our own men.  

RS: David Coleman Headly, a key part of the project, has been arrested and is under trial in the US…isn’t that bad news?
SS: For whom? Not for us, for sure. We have been assured by USA that he will be put through a sham trial and locked up for life in that country. His secrets will stay with him in his cell and India wont even get a whiff of our plans. Though the US was quite uncooperative in the initial days, the intervention of Pakistani army on behalf of the ISI and Pak government made them see reason. Even if Headly is not executed, we are not at all worried as US has more to lose in case Headly squeals.

RS: Why would you say that?SS: You see the whole world knows that Pakistani government is a dedicated sponsor of terror. The role of ISI in fostering trouble in the subcontinent is well known, so are the pious intentions of the Lashkar-e-Toiba. But what many are unaware of is that without the help of US double agent Headly, 26-11 wouldn’t have happened. They looked the other way when Headly was doing all kinds of things to help us attack India. Everyone including Nobel Peace prize winner and Pakistan’s dole incharge Obama know this. US has got its hands red with the blood of innocents who died in 26-11, at the hands of our braindead jehadis.

RS: Could you elaborate on the role played by Pakistani army in this?
SS: No problem. Pakistani army has deputed a bunch of its retired officers to help us. They have also given us access to their training infrastructure in Balochistan and Karachi. We didn’t want the Pakistani army to be involved directly as their battle skills are as good as Nauru’s army. They are the first ones to run for shelter as soon as they hear that the Indian Army has moved a few of its formations towards the border. They surrender even before the first shot is fired and if it weren’t for the US army training, Pakistan’s army would have looked like a bunch of civil defense guys from Greenland in uniform. Pakistani army by itself cannot even kill a fly; but the moment they go behind the scenes, they get some work done. Besides, with their connections in the US, we have access to unaccountable sources of funds.

RS: Is Dawood Ibrahim part of the Karachi project?
SS: We have kept him out of this one as the Indian intelligence sleuths knew everything about what he was upto. I have read some of the dossiers authored by the Indian government on him and given to Pak government. It is almost as if they are like his shadow. We were afraid that Dawood’s involvement would alert the Indians about our plans.Besides, we already have about 10 volumes of dossiers sitting in the dossier library opened by the Pakistani government and don't have space for anymore.

RS: You have stated that the war against India will continue. Any reason for this?
SS: Yeah there is a very strong reason. We are bored to death here in Pakistan and don’t have anything else to do. The Pakistani telecom guys have blocked all the social networking sites, the supply of pirated bollywood DVDs has reduced and the population of donkeys in the Pak-Afn border has been on the decline since US started bombing those areas. Till we have something better to do, we will be fighting.

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