Why is China so insecure?

Yukk Thoo Chin heads China’s department of internal insecurity. In this position he is the dude who comes up with all kinds of theories to make the chinese government feel more insecure and take illegal steps to make the top brass of the commie politbureau more secure. In this exclusive conversation with our loudmouth correspondent Arnab Ghostsawme, Chin outlines his government’s strategy to identify and address insecurity issues.

AG: Mr Chin, we have all seen and heard how you have treated Google. We have also heard how you have raised an army of 300000 hackers to intrude and steal data from the networks of governments and how you constantly intrude into Indian territory to irritate India. For a country that is so huge, you guys seem to have the courage of a kitten. What makes you so insecure and why is it that you have to resort to such below the belt tactics?

YC: First of all, you must understand that we are not a democracy. You cannot even visit the restroom without detailed RRIII approval from our government.  When we have so much control inside, it is logical to expect the same when it comes to companies and governments around the world. It is basically our curiosity to know what others are upto. Infact our hackers have already hacked into your laptop and taken a print out of the questionnaire you have prepared for this interview. I already know what your next question will be…it has the names of some vegetables in it, right?

AG: I am too clever for you. The document that you have stolen is my grocery list. My wife always renames files with official names to mislead me so that I would open them and remember what I am supposed to do. Anyway why did you treat Google in such a shabby manner?

YC: The other day my boss was chatting with his girlfriend on g talk and suddenly he realized that Google does not allow users using the desktop chat application to slip into invisible mode. While my boss was visible at all times, his girlfriend used to be in invisible mode while chatting. It was to investigate this feature that he asked our team to hack into google servers to find out why such a discrimination was there. When we accessed Google’s server, we were shocked to see the amount of data that Google had captured about so many of us. Chat conversations dating back to the time when I was having an affair with one of my colleagues were all saved by Google, not to mention other things like that video of me dressed as a frog in one of our parties. We pressed the panic button immediately.

AG: Yeah I agree Google does infringe on our privacy. But then you guys are not saints. Remember, you are also intruding into our territory and your cyber army has been consistently launching attacks against our IT assets.

YC: I don’t know why such small things get your goat.  You should look at the positive side of this and that is exactly what I also tell my best friend comrade You.  

AG: What is the positive side.

YC:  There must be one..I mean after seeing how insecure we are, you must be feeling like a million bucks.

AG: Have you guys tried anything else to try and fix your insecurity?

YC: Yes, the government has distributed over a million pokimon pajamas along with lucky charms and I feel good stickers – none of which is working as of today.


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