Showing posts from June, 2009

Mayawathi, the worst CM ever...

Mayawathi is easily among the most incompetent and drab leaders the country has ever seen, the entire nation wishes she would just vanish. Imagine wasting 1200 crores on statues..she is a curse on this country and its citizens..lets make sure that she is never ever elected again and her party banished from the Indian political landscape. Till such a time, here are a few things we can do to keep her occupied...

• Use her as a dummy to test the effectiveness of bullet proof jackets brought by the Mumbai police
• Have her head the met department
• Have her replace one of her dummies with her real life self (pigeon crap included)
• Post her as India’s ambassador to Australia and make sure that she keeps meeting the Aussie PM every single day till he agrees to take sterner measures to curb racist attacks
• Appoint her as Shiny Ahuja’s lawyer
• Deploy her on the Line of Control to scare away Pakistani army
• Extend her contract with the Ramsay brothers
• Deploy her on the Bangladesh border to scare…

AFPAK policy a failure: kid

In a strong snub to Obama, a rookie kid in Washington called his administration’s AFPAK policy a failure and asked him to revise it at the earliest. “This policy is doomed to bring more instability in the region. By funding a terrorist state and arming it with all kinds of weapons, Obama is asking for trouble and he will soon get it,” the kid said. He went on to call Obama a “zoo zoo face” and asked him to step down, if he didn’t know how to handle terrorism.

Obama is surprised by the kid's reaction...

Pakistan to host World Terror Olympics

To augment its reputation as the epicenter of global terrorism, Pakistan government has decided to host a special edition of Olympics for terrorists from different parts of the world. An announcement to this effect was made in Islamabad by the Pakistani government through a press release issued in the early half of Saturday.

This edition will feature groups like Jaish, Lashkar, Taliban, Harkat, Hamas, ULFA, Al Qaeeda Maoists and special attendees including China and North Korea. The terror groups will compete with each other in disciplines like infiltration, guerilla warfare, aircraft highjack, launching sea-based attacks on high value targets, piracy, ambush and suicide bombing. “We have already earmarked US$ 2 billion for these games slated to take place sometime in late 2010. The event will be completely sponsored and supported by the Obama administration and will witness participation from the whos who of the terror world. We intend to turn this event into a money spinner for us,” …

Its Mayawathi Vs Pigeons: Who will win??

Mayawathi’s decision to unveil statues of herself has been welcomed by pigeons from all over Uttar Pradesh. An unnamed member of Pigeons Association of UP (PAU), representing the interests of pigeons across UP has hailed move calling it a remarkable example of concern for the well being of pigeons.

“We have never had a leader who was so concerned about us. These statues will help pigeons lighten themselves. In fact I will be delighted to remove my compostable heap on the honorable Mayawathi. I have always wanted to do that. In fact she deserves every bit of what is coming out of me,” a pigeon member of the PAU told this blogger over a cup of tea.

Pigeons all over UP started celebrating as news of the decision trickled in. “When Mayawathi wanted to convert various monuments of UP into malls, I was really angry with her. But those days there were very few statues of her in UP. The ones that she had already unveiled were in demand and were always covered in piles of pigeon refuse. Now thes…

In conversation: India's relationship minister

Bakra Dutt in conversation with India’s relationship minister Sneha lal.

BD: Why is there a sudden focus on relationships? What’s the need?

SL: India has always valued and cherished relationships and the Indian government sees immense value in bonds that connect two or more people. Nations that are driven by innovation must place emphasis on relationships and that is a fact. People who are in relationships are more creative and they are able to sustain and build on their creative potential simply by harnessing the stability that a relationship offers.

BD: Didn’t get you. I am still single and as creative as I ever was and how will a relationship change things overnight for me?

SL: When you are single, most of your energies are focused on getting a partner or a date. When you finally find someone, you can focus those energies elsewhere. That is exactly why we are encouraging relationships. We want India to turn into a nation of innovation.

BD: What are you saying? I was in a relationship ti…

India to get a National Relationship Exchange

In line with its promise of providing stable and nurturing relationships to all singles, the UPA government is all set to enact a National Relationship Guarantee Act. A bill to this effect will be tabled in the house soon and the government has given itself a deadline of 100 days to convert it into an act.

Speaking exclusively to this blogger via a walkie talkie from Siberia, Union minister for relationships Sneha Lal said “UPA government is committed to the welfare of all singles in the country. As part of this commitment we will be tabling a comprehensive bill in the house that will make it easier for singles to find “offline” relationships easily”. The UPA government, in its poll manifesto had promised to provide various benefits to certified singles and this seems to be a move in that direction.

Your favorite blogger managed to grab a copy of this bill by bribing the PA of Sneha Lal. The highlights of this bill include:

• Tax relief for singles for one assessment year
• Added 5 perce…

Air Dhakkan’s Chinese counterpart starts operations

The Air Dhakkan model of flight popularized by the Time magazine’s Miser of the Year 2007 Topinath has found new taker in China. A local tycoon in Shanghai has opened a new airline called Shandong Airlines that will operate on the low Air Dhakkan model to connect small towns across China.

Shandong Airlines will not be consuming any fuel or power on the ground. The plane will be taxied on the runway by convicts borrowed on lease from Chinese state prisons. Most of these convicts are in the slammer for small crimes. Some of them could be as small as putting up an anti-government status on Twitter. There will be no airhostesses and passengers will have to bring their own food\water and other requirements and some of them may even be asked to fly the plane in case the lone pilot falls sick.

The airline will not be using the services of the airport Air Traffic Control and relatives of passengers will be asked to guide the plane to land through their mobile phones. Passngers will have to pay…

China to develop “counterfeit intelligence”

After demonstrating its expertise in developing and selling “world class” counterfeit material, China is now planning to take its “fake” expertise to the next level. The largest commie nation in the world is now planning to develop what it calls counterfeit intelligence to improve its exports.

“This is not a joke posted by some blogger sitting in Bangalore. This is the Real Mc Lee. We are indeed developing intelligence that can copy literally anything and turn out a cheaper version of condemnable quality. The product can then be dumped in a third world country and bring money to fund our hegemonic ambitions in Asia,” says Yukk Thoo Chin, head of counterfeit cell, Government of China.

China is already a proud ( supplier of fake good to various countries. Most of the goods exported by China are either fake copies of similar stuff produced by other countries. Chinese goods are infact considered to be as fake as Pakistan’s famous commitment to …

Obama's biggest win yet

India has sent a congratulatory message to US on Obama administration achieving a significant milestone in its war on terror. The message issued on behalf of government of India by a vegetable seller near the ministry of external affairs is an official one and has the blessings of India’s foreign minister S M Krishna.

It may be remembered that during an interview with CNBC, Obama gave a fatal slap to a pesky fly that was bothering him. In his letter to Obama, the vegetable seller has called this as the “biggest victory” of the Obama administrations war on terror. He goes on to say “Mr President, may I have the privilege of rating this as one of your finest accomplishments in your tenure as the president of the US. This ranks right up there with the overtures you are making towards a terrorist state in our neighborhood. I am pleased to inform you that these two incidents will help the world become a safer and secure place in the future”, he said.

Strategic experts are of the opinion t…

Pakistan’s space program attains major milestone

Ever since its last brush with moon (link), Pakistan’s space program has grown by leaps and bounds. The world’s most terror friendly nation has made its first successful test flight right here on planet earth. In an experiment conducted on Staurday afternoon, Pakistan was able to lift the subject (Pakistan’s national animal) nearly 10 feet in the air.

Pakistan Space and Upper Atmosphere Research Commission (SUPARCO) conducted at the Chaklala air base was witnessed by many SUPARCO fans. Raza Hussain, Chairman of SUPARCO was all smiles as the test results came in. “All flight parameters were satisfactory and this was indeed a textbook launch. This means we are right on track to send a terrorist up there to the moon. We now have the confidence of a 1000 hyenas and are sure that a terrorist from Pakistan will be sitting on Moonian surface soon,” Raza said.

This blogger was able to source a picture of Pakistan’s experiment and the same is being presented here for readers. Raza called the e…

Aussies promote racial tourism

See this ad and judge for your self

Pakistan's nano tank

Inspired by Ratan Tata’s Nano, Pakistan has started user trials for its new Nano tank. According to Pakistani defense experts (as well-informed as Borat) the tank build by Heavy Industries Taxila (HIT) will be deployed by the Pakistani army alongside its main battle tank Al Khalid on the Indo-Pak border. This tank is designed to throw softballs at the enemy at the rate of 3 per minute and can be used to escape rapidly in a cowardly manner as and when the enemy retaliates.

pic: a pakistani trooper inside the tank..

Why talk to Pakistan?

Indian government is again falling head over heels to speak to Pakistan to “normalize” relations. Our experts are of the opinion that our relations with Pakistan are pretty “normal” at this point of time

Talking with Pakistan will be as useful as:

• Asking Mayawathi to open a Facebook account
• Gifting a blackberry to Mullah Omar
• Asking Dev Anand to direct a John Woo movie
• Reminding Obama about his campaign promises on Pakistan
• Calling Australia a dignified country
• Asking china to stop peddling fake stuff
• Preaching the benefits of democracy to North Korea\Pakistan
• Explaining Archie’s marriage to Mamta Banejee
• Talking about patriotism to commies
• Asking Osama to preach peace

Why is our Prime Minister even shaking hands with his counterpart from a terrorist nation?Arent we asking Pakistan to start working on the next 26-11 by doing so? What will we acheive by speaking to a belligerent nation that believes in using terror as an instrument of state policy …

Indo-Pak talks to focus on weather

When Indian PM and Pakistani president meet each other on the sidelines of the Shanghai Cooperation Organisation summit in Russia next week, weather will be the topic of discussion from the Indian side. This is the first high level meeting between the two sides and as usual India is not expecting anything to come out of talks with Pakistan.

The Indian PM is expected to discuss weather with extra emphasis on local conditions with Zardari. The idea is to do complete time pass and get out of the room quickly so that the Indian PM can focus on other important dialogues and get some work done.

“We have had enough of talks with Pakistan. We have tried to raise relevant issues with them; but they have always tried to either dodge such issues or keep on harping about non-issues like Kashmir, Adnan Sami’s weight and Indian bloggers posting on Pakistan. So this time we have decided to give it back to them and just do absolute timepass. We would rather discuss bilateral trade and globally relevan…

BJP gen next war spills over to Facebook

In a major embarrassment to India’s primary opposition party BJP, its leaders have started washing their dirty linen in public. BJP’s gen next leadership is busy pulling each other down over the internet.

Late yesterday night, Arun Jaitley’s Facebook account was hacked allegedly by senior BJP leader Jaswant Singh’s men. The hackers modified his account, changed his relationship status to “single and looking” and wrote romantic messages on his behalf on the wall of BSP president Mayawathi. They then modified his status updates section to read “Arun Jaitley is madly in love with Jayalalitha”. They also used the throw a shoe tool to fling a slipper at a furious Advani, who threw a sheep in return.

Jaitley has meanwhile lashed out at the “immature and teenish behavior” displayed by his party colleague. In a carefully worded statement designed to appeal to the young voters, he said “Yo, what's goin on…this is not on dude. You betta watcha ya rear…caus I is coming to get ya” A source, as…

Pak terrorists worried about US travel advisory

The umbrella body of all terrorists operating in Pakistan - Pakistan Terrorists Association (PTA) has expressed concern over US issuing a travel advisory for its citizens traveling to India. PTA spokesperson Mullah So-mar has asked all terrorists groups in Pakistan to delay or even cancel plans to send terrorists onsite to India.

“We are concerned about the safety of our terrorists. We don’t want them to be injured or killed in that unsafe country. In fact government of Pakistan has already told us to cancel plans till US withdraws the advisory and we take such advisories seriously,” So-mar said. Pakistan based groups like Lashkar and Jaish have been extensively training terrorists to send them on projects in India. Some of them have even beefed up their bench strength to meet all exigencies. These terrorists were to be dispatched in batches starting May this year. But the advisory may put a spanner in the works.

“We have already issued offer letters to so many campus recruits. In addit…

Pakistan training the next batch of marine terrorists

Emboldened by the success of 26-11, Pakistan has started training more terrorists to cross the Arabian sea and launch attacks on Coastal Indian cities. In this pic taken by one of our correspondents, terrorists from the Lashkar's naval wing are training off the coast of Karachi..Pakistan intends to send a bigger batch this time around. Indian government has meanwhile set up a inquiry commission to help prevent a impending attack...

US is helping Pakistan plot another 9-11

USA is becoming desperate to have another terrorist strike on its soil. How do I say that? Well Obama administration, these days, is turning every stone to promote a terrorist state called Pakistan in South Asia without considering the consequences. Does this administration realize what it is getting into?

Pakistan is a country that has broken every single international law that was ever made. Sample this: Pakistan has on record broken laws related to:

• Trade with terrorist groups and terrorist nations
• Nuclear proliferation
• Missile technology control
• Trade in abusive substances
• Trade in weapons of mass destruction
• Human trafficking
• Ceasefire
• UN conventions
• Export of dangerous weapons
• Diversion of humanitarian aid for military purposes
• Maritime regulations

America has been consistently aiding and abetting Pakistan, protecting it at various international fora and chipping in with dollars when the nation went bankrupt. All this has emboldened Paki…

India is unsafe due to us: Obama

Barack Hussein Obama, the president of the United States and the guy who was supposed to usher in change. So far he has pushed in more insecurity in the sub continent and invigorated the NPT ayatollahs. Our correspondent Bhakra Dutt was in Washington recently for shopping and decided to drop in and chat with the most powerful man in the world. Heres the exclusive interview with the President of the United States.

BD: Pakistan has just released Sayeed, the man behind the Mumbai terror attacks. Islamabad is not serious about acting against terrorists operating from its soil…

BO: They are doing a lot in fact the other I spoke to Zardari and he said that he has joined an institute to take acting lessons. He has also engaged a famous actor from Lahore to help him act as though he and his country are serious about acting against terrorists. You gotta give these guys some rope..Zardari is under immense pressure since the day these terrorists kidnapped his pet Chihuahua and released her when a…

India gets a new terror report template

To ensure smooth preparation of post terror attack enquiry reports, Indian government has published a template that can be used by commissions and inquiry teams. This new template comes with filled up sections and can be used by babus and retired judges to come out with reports in just over 48 hours.

This template is the brainchild of Chavvani Lal, a babu with over 25 years experience in preparing post-terror reports. Speaking to the media in Mumbai, Chavvani said that he was inspired to prepare this template after he saw striking similarities between reports prepared by various commissions. “They all used to start with intelligence failure, venture through lack of coordination while touching upon terror cells and would end up blaming the central government. I saw this as an opportunity to standardize all these reports since anyway they were nothing more than costly eyewash designed to fool the public.

Chavvani’s report has pre-filled sections containing the usual sentences used by bab…

Taliban launches home shopping network

Taliban Pakistan Ltd. has launched a new shopping network to sell branded merchandise via the web and TV channels. The new network called Taliban Shopping Network helps customers order items from the comfort of their homes and offices.

Here are some of the items on offer.

Home Mullah Kit: Want to turn into a local Mullah? Wish to go around and preach pre-Stone Age philosophies? Home Mullah Kit is the thing for you. It comes with a fake 67 day old beard, inflatable donkey, aging cream and a Fatwa diary (to help you track those fathwas you have issued) to transform into Mullah almost overnight.

The kit comes with a 30-day Taliban guarantee. If you don’t turn into a moth-eateb mullah in 30 days, Taliban will refund your money.

Price Pak Rs: 3456

Issuing Fatwa for Dummies: Gain from the wisdom of over 300 donkey riding stupor mullahs spread across Pakistan. This book prepared after extensive research over the last 5 years contains tips on how to:

• Spot a issue
• Mobili…

Pakistan to nationalize all terror groups

In a move designed to move its terrorist agenda forward, Pakistan has decided to nationalize all terrorist groups operating out of its territory.

After releasing Mumbai attack mastermind Hafiz Saeed, Pakistan has now taken this bold step to flaunt its terror credentials to the world and expose its dirty game. “We cant do anything else to demonstrate the fact that we are the world’s most dangerous nation and will go to any extend to destabilize peace and stability in the Sub Continent,” said Qureshi, Pakistan’s foreign minister.

As part of the nationalization process, Pakistan government would take over the bank accounts of all these organizations and assign bureaucrats to control their day-to-day functioning. As the next step, the ISI will take complete control of these organizations and free them from the complicated reporting structure (internal and to Pak government)that exists today.

Pakistani government sources told this blogger that it was concerned about the fact that some of the…