“We will have a Crime Minister this time.”

Chavvani Lal heads the newly launched Criminal Party of India. In this exclusive conversation with our very own Rajcreep, Chavanni explains the nuances of being a criminal and a politician in equal measure.

RS: First of all why did you launch a separate party?

CL: Oh, don’t ask Raj. Many of these parties had made it tough for us criminals to enter the electoral fray.

RS: That’s good, I am proud of them.

CL: Hold your horses boy. I mean to say some of the bigger parties wanted us to execute bigger crimes before we were given a ticket. Gone are the days when you could just loot a bank, murder someone or be a dacoit to enter parliament. Today, the minimum threshold for entry is 25 plus murders, 400 plus charge sheets, a corporate fraud involving atleast 5000 crores or a combination thereof. My party wanted to give a ticket to Scamlinkaraju instead of me. That really got me wild.

RS: But parties like BSP and SP have kept a quota of 75 percent for jerks like you.

CL: That’s true but even those seats were auctioned. The ones with maximum number of cases registered against them would walk away with the seat. I know of this guy in my district who till yesterday was a petty thief. Two months ago he started killing people and swindled some money in a scam to earn a party ticket.

RS: That’s really shameful. Arent you ashamed of this?

CL: you have no idea how I feel. My wife has kicked me out of the house. My mother in law burned my pyjamma collection down and my kids started ignoring me when they heard that I didn’t get a ticket. I am a villain and I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I mean should I commit another 30 murders before they let me into parliament? I have made my mind. We will unite all goons, criminals, hoodlums, bhais and hoodlums under one banner and contest these elections. I am sure that atleast half of us will enter parliament and then we will have a criminal as the prime minister-thats my dream. We will change the name of the post to Crime Minister once we win

RS: Whats your message to the other national parties?

CL: The message is clear. Only criminals will vote for criminals. If a criminal is representing a constituency, it just speaks about the people in that constituency. Going by this law, we will win enough seats to form the next government. A PM candidate from a national party called his rival a “weak PM”. Now with me in the PMs chair, no one will dare call me weak. I will squish him to pulp and serve him to the near extinct vultures of Madhya Pradesh.

RS: You have asked Deve Gowda, Jayalaitha and Mayawathi to join you. Any specific reason?
CL: These people are my idols. When I was a kid I used to hear about how much money the Deve Gowda family had made by looting Karnataka and later the country. Jayalalitha and Mayawathi are the Miss India (universe) and Miss India (world) of corruption. I need these people to back me up as they belong to my genre only. Infact, we are trying to get none other than Ajmal Kasab to fight the elections on our ticket time. I want to get him before Mulayam or Mayawathi..

RS: What will be your agenda once you come to power? How will you deal with the ongoing recession?

CL: No worries. We will start an Indian Hafta Service to appoint collectors (I mean Hafta collectors) in every nook and corner of the nation. These collectors will share a percentage of their collection with the state government and another with the central government. This will generate at least 10 lakh jobs throughout the country. In addition it will also free up lots of money that has not entered circulation yet as people are saving them in banks and their lockers. This will boost the retail sector and then the economy is bound to bounce back.

RS: You know for once I feel that goons like you are here to stay. Why? Because we get the leaders we deserve. Its not just voter apathy but also our cowardice to avoid the electoral arena and stand for what we feel is true that is helping crooks like you enter the sanctum sanctorum of Indian politics with such ease. We are indeed asleep, our eyes wide shut under the weight of our personal ambitions and lack of concern for the well being of our own country. The dark clouds have covered the horizon of Indian politics and I see the nation slipping into a long and Dark Age.

Who cares about the nation?


This one is for the birthday girl Swati... Have a wonderful day and a great year ahead. Take care and may god bless you with happiness and cheer ;)


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