Taliban releases recruitment ads
Taliban, world’s number one terrorist organization, has been retained by the Government of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan to run the government in Swat valley. We have therefore launched an ambitious recruitment drive to fill various vacancies that have arisen in the new administration in Swat. On behalf of the honorable Taliban, Mula "Ma'soum Afghani, HR incharge, invites expression of interest from qualified professionals for the following posts.
Suicide bombers: motivated, dedicated and self driven, possessing extra ordinary sense of purpose. Should be able to blow himself\herself up for a variety of causes in front of various targets and handle various types of explosives and detonators. Those who are frustrated with life, heartbroken, have financial difficulties or suffer from any one of the life threatening diseases listed in annexure 1 will be given preference. Job code: SudB 0034
Radio operators: to manage and run low frequency FM stations in Swat valley. The candidate must be able to independently handle over 100 broadcasts by mullahs and their donkeys every single day. Job code: RoB 0056
Logistics manager: Must be well versed in handling large groups of donkeys without getting involved in any other way. Candidate must have proven experience in taking herds of donkeys over large distances and back without losing a single resource. He must be able to manage deployment and redeployment of donkeys with ease. Job code: LoM 0066
Scriptwriter: An energetic candidate, he must be able to dole out threatening messages to various groups\communities\nations with ease. Candidates from the underworld or with previous experience in threatening the above mentioned groups would be given a clear preference. Job code: SW 06
Cave manager: Suitable candidates must be able to manage housekeeping teams managing caves with ease. Job code: CM 0096
Explosive experts: Candidate must compulsorily be a die-hard innovator. He must be able to design and develop new types of explosives and detonation mechanisms. Candidates who are willing to experiment with donkey dung will be given preference. Job code: EE 0546
Liaison manager: Liaison manager: Candidate will be Taliban’s single point of contact and conduct key negotiations with the Pakistani government and must be willing to treat the Pakistani administration with contempt. Candidate must have spent atleast 3 years in jail on a serious offense. Job code: LiM 0033
All positions will be based in Swat valley, unless indicated. Taliban is not an equal opportunity employer by any length of imagination. Talibani workspaces do not encourage smoking, drinking or any other vice deemed so by the great book. Taliban employees will be discriminated based on race, color, religion, sex, national origin, ancestry, marital status, age, disability, sexual orientation or gender identity. Taliban reserves the right to change terms of employment with or without prior notice. Candidates must have a T1 visa for employment in Taliban held areas. Taliban encourages criminals, underworld dons and certified goons to apply.
If you can live up to the Talibani challenge, send us a copy of your latest CV, indicating the job code to careers@taliban.gov or snail mail your CV (super scribing “Swat employment”) to:
Cave # 456,
Swat valley,
Talibanistan 228
Suicide bombers: motivated, dedicated and self driven, possessing extra ordinary sense of purpose. Should be able to blow himself\herself up for a variety of causes in front of various targets and handle various types of explosives and detonators. Those who are frustrated with life, heartbroken, have financial difficulties or suffer from any one of the life threatening diseases listed in annexure 1 will be given preference. Job code: SudB 0034
Radio operators: to manage and run low frequency FM stations in Swat valley. The candidate must be able to independently handle over 100 broadcasts by mullahs and their donkeys every single day. Job code: RoB 0056
Logistics manager: Must be well versed in handling large groups of donkeys without getting involved in any other way. Candidate must have proven experience in taking herds of donkeys over large distances and back without losing a single resource. He must be able to manage deployment and redeployment of donkeys with ease. Job code: LoM 0066
Scriptwriter: An energetic candidate, he must be able to dole out threatening messages to various groups\communities\nations with ease. Candidates from the underworld or with previous experience in threatening the above mentioned groups would be given a clear preference. Job code: SW 06
Cave manager: Suitable candidates must be able to manage housekeeping teams managing caves with ease. Job code: CM 0096
Explosive experts: Candidate must compulsorily be a die-hard innovator. He must be able to design and develop new types of explosives and detonation mechanisms. Candidates who are willing to experiment with donkey dung will be given preference. Job code: EE 0546
Liaison manager: Liaison manager: Candidate will be Taliban’s single point of contact and conduct key negotiations with the Pakistani government and must be willing to treat the Pakistani administration with contempt. Candidate must have spent atleast 3 years in jail on a serious offense. Job code: LiM 0033
All positions will be based in Swat valley, unless indicated. Taliban is not an equal opportunity employer by any length of imagination. Talibani workspaces do not encourage smoking, drinking or any other vice deemed so by the great book. Taliban employees will be discriminated based on race, color, religion, sex, national origin, ancestry, marital status, age, disability, sexual orientation or gender identity. Taliban reserves the right to change terms of employment with or without prior notice. Candidates must have a T1 visa for employment in Taliban held areas. Taliban encourages criminals, underworld dons and certified goons to apply.
If you can live up to the Talibani challenge, send us a copy of your latest CV, indicating the job code to careers@taliban.gov or snail mail your CV (super scribing “Swat employment”) to:
Cave # 456,
Swat valley,
Talibanistan 228
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