The A Q Khan interview

Pakistan has achieved another significant milestone in international diplomacy by releasing the nuke walmart CEO and chief proliferator A Q Khan. In his first interview after release, Khan speaks about his house arrest and the secrets he holds.


RS: How does it feel to be free? Did the house arrest feel like hell?

AQ: Feels great. House arrest was indeed hell..they deactivated my facebook account, deleted all pics of Carla Bruni from my laptop and even took away my Calvin and Hobbes collection. I mean how dumb can you be? They asked me to keep all my nuke manuals and the radioactive material that I wanted to sell in the Karachi black market…

RS: You mean the house arrest was an eye wash?

AQ: It was as real as Pakistan’s commitment to the war on terror. They allowed me to meet everyone including prospects, existing customers and even my neighbor on whom I had a serious crush…

RS: Aren’t you ashamed? You have indulged in international proliferation and armed rogue nations like North Korea. In fact you were a cheat when you started your career by cheating your employer…

AQ: Instead of cheating employees, stakeholders and public like my friend Ramlingaraju, I have only cheated the international community.

RS: It is said that your daughter had a tape detailing the involvement of Pakistani army in nuke proliferation and that was the reason why you were not killed by Musharraf.
AQ: There were two tapes. One which was on the involvement of Pak army which was handed over to CIA..they have watched it a million times and even hosted it on their intranet after adding a laughter track. The second tape was what kept me alive. This one showed Pak army corp commanders fighting with each other over a consignment of new Pokimon langots. One of them even threatened to move the Bahawalpur based14 corps to the Afghanistan border and launch a real war on terror if he was not given the langots. The video ends with Musharaf threatening the commanders with stern action if they did not behave.

RS: What was the stern action?
AQ: He threatened to block cartoon network and Nickelodeon channels on their cable TV. The Generals immediately reconciled and Musharraf walked off with a huge bunch of langots that day.


RS: So Pakistani army was involved in proliferation, right?
AQ: Involved? The bills were issued by the Army, just like they are issuing bills to the US government for the bogus war on terror. In fact, once Libya came back to us with the bill and wanted us to reimburse them as the centrifuges delivered were not of good quality. We escaped as the bill had clearly mentioned “goods once sold will not be taken back or exchanged”. Pakistani army had given me clear sales targets. I had to made cold calls to potential customers, set up demos, give presentations, run DM campaigns and even track visitors on our website to meet these targets.

RS: Did you sell the nukes to Osama?

AQ: One Al Qaeeda rep did come up to us and offer 1000 donkeys for the “great bomb”. But I sent him off saying we don’t have Carla Bruni in stock right now…Actually the technology was quite complicated for them to grasp. We learnt that their donkeys had more IQ than their recruits and to teach them how to prepare these nukes would have been a gargantuan task. Besides our after sales support team did not offer onsite support as demanded by them.

RS: Whats the way forward from here for you?

AQ: I am setting up an educational institute to promote international proliferation. Nuke weapons are a thing of the past and so I have moved on to Biochemical weapons. My institute will train students on copying genetic information, creating biochemical agents and selling them. I also plan to create a new A Q Khan network online…The Pakistani government has released me because they also want a slice of the profits that I will rake in and I am more than happy to share that.

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