Worse airports=secure airports

Civil Aviation minister Praful Patel on India having three of the worst airports in the world.

RS: Chhatrapati Shivaji International Airport, Mumbai, at No. 1, Indira Gandhi International Airport, New Delhi, at No. 2 and Bengaluru International Airport (BIA), Bangalore, at No. 4. Whats wrong with the picture?

PP: Nothing.

RS: What? We have three of the worst airports in the world. Why isn’t the ministry doing something about it? What are you waiting for?

PP: This is part of our larger plans to make our airports more secure.

RS: What? How?

PP: You see when terrorists come through sea, the ride is so comfortable and safe. You just land on the shore, get your ammunition out and head to your target. But we at the civil aviation ministry want to frustrate the terrorists. You see by delaying flights, long check in lines and poor infrastructure, the terrorists will lose their enthusiasm and simply give up or commit some mistake that will expose them.

RS: But what about individual aircraft? Aren’t they vulnerable?

PP: Each carrier has its own way of dealing with terrorists. Like I remember once a terrorist tried to take over an Indian Airlines flight and an overweight air hostess accidentally fell on him; he was squished into a pulp and died immediately. Even his weapon was rendered useless. Then once a terrorist tried to hijack a Air Deccan flight. But he was so frustrated by the service that he shot himself. Kingfisher air hostesses disarm even the most deadly terrorist with their smile. In fact one terrorist was ready to give up and settle down with a air hostess, but is now cooling his heels in the slammer. Air India is rarely on time so even a carefully planned attack goes haywire. Terrorists cannot afford a Jet Airways ticket and the rest don’t matter.

RS: You are known to be close to Jet and Kingfisher. Didn’t they apply any pressure on you to improve the infrastructure here?

PP: Mallya and Goyal came down one day and gave me a lecture on managing civil aviation infrastructure. When they ended the sermon, I just reminded them about the dues they owe to the oil cos and both of them vanished without a trace.

RS: Most of the time you seem to be too busy with the industry lobby to accord any importance to the real issues.

PP: I have my own problems. I have to listen to so many people. On an average I get about 50 calls a day telling me about a delay in their flight or some service deficiency. In fact I am constantly in the line of fire. Once my wife thrashed me and threw me out of the house because my in laws flight was delayed due to a bird hit. On another occasion, my neighbor’s kid let his dog loose on me because his mom was deplaned by Air Deccan. Now you tell me how can a minister work in such a scenario?

RS: We had plans to turn India into a major aviation hub in Asia. Is that still on?

PP: yeap, this one is very much on track. You see Indian airliners have ordered more than 500 aircraft and that is enough to achieve this. The government wont do anything more. When you have that many aircraft landing and taking off from here, India will automatically be transformed into a hub.