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Rajdeep Sardesai slapped by Simi Garewal

Why the botox mummy got angry with India's leading journo

Humor Unplugged to file suit against ponytail

Why didn't you block our URLs?

Is Deepika Padukone cursed??

All her boyfriends are doomed says astrologer

Coal scam probe to cover allocations made since 3000 BC

CBI is serious about naming criminals looting the nation since Indus Valley Civilisation

Arnab Goswami tries to do a Manmohan Singh, gets mauled

Implementing reforms is a tough job for anyone

Monday, April 28, 2008

Wanted: a nanny for BCCI

Fed up of unacceptable player behavior, the Bored of Controlling Cricket in India (BCCI) has finally decided to crack the whip. In what could be called as the first fallout of the Bhajji-Sree fracas, BCCI has decided to appoint a nanny for disciplining the Indian cricket team.

"I am fed up of these cricketers behaving like politicians and two-year olds. Let them behave responsibly if they have to play for the country," Sharad Power, BCCi chief told this site in an exclusive interview today. Power said that the Nanny will be given full disciplinary powers, including that of establishing check-in-check-out timings, mediating in fights and spanking and canning, if needed. The nanny will be fully responsible for off field behavior of the players and she can take any step in the regard.

The new nanny will be introduced towards the end of the current IPl season.BCCI is also planning to ask the nanny to monitor the players' internet usage and also the type of programs that the famed cricketers are watching.

Apparently the Bored is worried that many of the players have been watching too much wrestling matches off late. BCCI is also worried about the negative influence that politicians have been having on the players. It has already banned players from watching the live telecasts of parliamentary proceedings on TV. But when contacted, spokesperson of the Political Association of India, Nutwar Singh pooh-poohed all claims of political influence on the players. "I may thrash my opponent and even tear his clothes apart-but that’s as far as I would go; no slapping or pushing," he said.

Several names are doing rounds for the Nanny's role. The players are in favor of roping in someone like Mandira Bedi, while the bored wants to hire someone the likes of Mayawathi, Renuka Choudary or Uma Bharati, all of whom have expressed their desire to straighten the boys. So kaun bangeha BCCI nanny? We will reveal the name soon.


Saturday, April 26, 2008

India threatens to unlesh Puppy Lahiri

India is finally talking tough with China. Learn what the country is doing to counter the dragon on its Eastern frontier.

Border violations, non-cooperation at international fora, illegal claims on Indian territory and what not? Fed up with the growing belligerent posture adopted by China, India has threatened to post alleged music director and fashion i-con Puppy Lahiri as its ambassador to Beijing.

Sources have told this site that the matter was under "active consideration" at highest echelons within the government and that the same has been conveyed to the Chinese. The move, having the blessings of the PMO, is being made to check China's growing recklessness in its relationship with India.

Puppy lahiri, when contacted was ecstatic about the development."Yes, I have been approached and I have given my consent. I feel that with my musical charms, I can enamor the Chinese into submission,” he said. The real reason however seems to be the type of music Puppyda has been churning in the last few years. Indian government, apparently, wants to leverage that to harass the Chinese government.

A top official in the external affairs ministry confirmed the move saying "Puppy will be moved to Beijing soon, if the Chinese don’t mend their ways". China has meanwhile declined to comment on the issue. Unofficially however, it has conveyed its sense of "deep apprehension" over the move. Beijing is planning to summon the current Indian ambassador to convey its displeasure. "We won’t accept Puppy into our country and that’s final," an official in the Chinese Foreign ministry told this site.

An excited Puppy is waiting to go to Beijing. "I will teach them my famous songs and train them to dance better than Maieheal(sic)," he said. Puppy has been selected from a rooster of shortlisted candidates including big names like Devil Gowda, Amar Sing and film maker Mahesh Rutt. BCCI had recomended sending Harbhajan singh, but the Indian government had apprehensions about his "doosra side".


Sunday, April 20, 2008

A shocking book indeed...

The book is set in the year is 3360. Human beings have been wiped out from the face of the earth, thanks to a meteor strike that happened more than a century and a half ago. A small group of survivors had managed to leave the earth in a spaceship to find a hospitable planet in another galaxy (thanks to wormholes. Generations later a team of these neo-humans return to the earth to survey it.

They find a completely changed planet. All the continents have fused to form a super continent. Antarctica, covered by ice in the 21st century is now a tropical paradise, filled with lush green forests and meandering rivers. North America resides on the north pole and is nothing but a cold desert with miles of ice. India is also near North America, where Canada once existed.

Mammals have all but disappeared except for an evolved form of rats. Elephant sized mosquitoes are all over the place and bamboos with motile leaves are the dominant vegetation. The competition for food is intense as plants have also developed mobility and constantly hunt animals and insects for food.

Towards the end of their mission, one of the team members decides to carry a fossilized mosquito with him. His plan is to extract the blood and uncode the DNA sequence to recreate a human being from the 21st century. He is however unaware that this mosquito used to live near the Indian parliament and therefore has got preserved blood of various politicians in its gut.

The neo-human beings in their new home planet have reached the zenith of moral and cultural evolution and do not have any politicians anymore. Such lowlife does not fit into their scheme of things anymore. There is no religion, no caste and nothing to divide the folks in their peaceful planet.

What happens when the amateur scientist unleashes evil politicians on the planet? Will the politicians take over the planet? What happens to the social structure of the planet, will it crumble under the weight of the bribe heavy politicians? Read the book to find out.


Saturday, April 19, 2008

E-comic zones

In a bid to encourage freedom of expression through art and cinema, the Indian government has decided to open up e-comic zones. These zones, to be modeled on the lines of the special economic zones, e-comic zones will allow movie makers, social analysts, musicians,artists and others to showcase their work without being harrassed by unruly mobs, politicians or anti-social elements.

Elaborating on the development, minister for Misinformation and Fraudcasting, Priyaranjan ________ said "theaters, cinema halls, culture centers and exhibition halls can be declared as Special e-comic Zones. For this the owner has to apply to the ministry". Once a hall or a center is declared as a SEZ, special rules will apply to that place. Law enforcement agencies cannot enter the area without special permits and entry for people will also be severely restricted. Entry will be regulated by the owner and will be solely decided by him. Such centers will be permitted to screen controversial movies, works of art, dramas, musical functions etc. No political activity will be allowed inside such areas and policemen will be guarding all entry and exit points at all times. Permits for SEZs will be valid for a varying period between 1 month to 3 years. Cinema halls for example can apply for a SEZ license for a period of 30 days to screen a controversial movie.

According to ____________, such a move will allow citizens to express themselves without fearing any reprisal from anti-social elements. Director Mahesh Hutt is all excited about SEZs. "I will be screening all my forthcoming movies only in SEZs," he said. "My next movie is about a alien falling in love with a earth girl and how both come to terms with an angry society on earth and the home planet of the alien. This movie will ceretainly be controversial and the SEZs will ensure that the screening is not disrupted at any stage by unruly elements," he added. When reminded that his movies are only watched by a handful of people, Mahesh jumped of his couch and threatened to show his last three movies to this journalist.


Monday, April 14, 2008

Download the new virtual Olympics game

The word is out on the street. Virtual gaming major Illintendo has launched its latest game series themed on the recent Tibetan protests against the Chinese government.

The game to be launched next week will present users with varied difficulty levels with the ultimate objective being to disrupt the Beijing Olympics. On entering the virtual world, the player dons the avtar of a monk determined to irritate the Chinese government.

In the first level, the monk has to lead a mob and storm the Chinese embassy in a foreign country and replace the Chinese flag with a Tibetan one. The flag swap has to be done swiftly by avoiding the local cops.
After clearing this round, for the next level, the player has to easting's the Olympic torch and pour water over Beijing's flame of passion. In the next round, the player lands in the Chinese capital and has to disrupt the opening ceremony of the games. In this round, the player is pitted against the merciless peoples liberation army folks who kill people like flies.

In the final level, the player has to disguise himself as a Olympics participant, go to the middle of a game and snatch a medal while holding aloft the Tibetan flag. In every level, the player has to escape without being caught, jailed, tortured or even killed.

Game enthusiasts are eagerly awaiting the release of this game. China has already banned the game(without awaiting its actual release). An official from the Chinese external affairs ministry, while dismissing the game, claimed that such games were devised by "evil empty minds".


Sunday, April 6, 2008

Commies will carry the Olympic torch in India

Commies will go to any length to please China

In a move designed to please his Chinese masters, commie general secretary, Prakash Carrot wants to carry the Olympic torch during the Indian leg of its journey. Carrot has said that he will not only carry the torch, but also ensure that no one harms it or disrupts the run.

Carrot has already issued a warning to all Tibetans, saying that he will personally deal with anyone who tries to act smart during the event. He has directed all commie cadres in the country, including the meawists, to ensure that the torch passes peacefully from the country. When reminded of China's human rights record, carrot virtually pounced on the journalist and had to be pulled back. Carrot claimed that some anti-china war mongers were behind all such rumors. "China has an impeccable human rights record and they treat their citizens with great care, which is the reason why many of them are being looked after in government jails and political amendment camps", said carrot.

Condemning Baichung Bhutia, Carrot said that the talented footballer had much to learn from people like Amir and Saif, who have agreed to carry the torch around. "When fimli folks don't have any problem, why should footballers have problems," wondered carrot.

Carrot and his 'commierats' will be guarding the flame during its stay in India. He has also asked the UPA government to allow him to make speeches about china at various points enroute. Carrot is already a special invitee to the Olympics and it is said that the top commie would be honored at the event.


Saturday, April 5, 2008

Parliamentary Wrestling Federation

Parliamentary Wrestling Federation takes off

With a eye on grabbing eyeballs and resolving some of the most "pressing issues" before parliament, the Indian government has decided to launch the Parliamentary Wrestling Federation.

The federation will give MPs a chance to thrash their opponents in the ring over a freestyle bout and resolve issues of contention among members. The ring will be set up in the central hall of parliament and will help members go beyond words and take matters in their own hands - literally. All bouts will be organized at designated hours and the time needed will be carved out from the existing question hour, which will now extend to just 20 minutes. During this time, all questions for the day will be raised and if the concerned minster wishes, he can give a verbal or written reply or let his punches do the talking. However, if the member is not satisfied with the reply given by the minister, he can challenge the former for a round in the ring.

The wrestling bouts will also be used to resolve the usual deadlock that parliament suffers every now and then. On issues which the government and opposition don't see eye-to-eye. Each party can nominate an MP who will challenge his opponent from the other side to a duel. The winning team will have the final say in the matter.

PWF spokesperson designate, Nut-war Singh is already an excited man. He has started approaching TV channels for arranging live broadcasts of the no-holds-barred wrestling matches. "If you thought that IPL got all the money, you haven't seen everything. We will be much bigger than them. Each MP will be wearing sponsor logos and the winner will get to display his advertisers logos for a whopping 55 seconds.

Needless to say, MPs are raring to have a go. Two-time(ing) MP Pungee Lal says "the last time I wanted to tear my opponent apart, but all I could do was split his langot and it was quite frustrating. This time I will make sure that I will achieve my goal, thanks to PWF." Various wrestling federations in the US have been approached to suggest ways to spice up the bouts and also set the rules for the contests.


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