Pakistan deserves an Oscar...
Two weeks after its role in the Mumbai carnage was published, Pakistan continues to be in denial. Our correspondent Rajcreep Sorfakeeye currently in Pakistan met its PM Yousef Raza Gillani and quizzed him on the way ahead for the tarnished nation. Here is the exclusive interview…
RS: You have started acting against the perpetrators of the Mumbai attacks. Isn’t it too little too late?
G: We have been acting for quite a while. In fact we have been acting so well that everyone was convinced till the Mumbai attacks that we were doing something against these terrorists. No one seems to be appreciating our acting prowess now and we have fallen out of favor. Given a chance, Pakistan can beat bollywood with our hands tied as far as acting is concerned. We have so many types of actors…state ones, non state ones, transient ones..
RS: Will you ever be serious? What action have you taken against these ‘non state’ actors that you keep referring to?
G: We have given them the ultimate punishment. We have made an example out of them. No one will ever do this from now.
RS: Let me repeat. What action have you taken?
G: We have canceled their membership to the Lahore cine artists association. Officially, they wont be able to act from now on. We have also asked all major Paki magazines, newspapers and video libraries to cancel their subscriptions and they won’t be able to download any games or ringtones to their mobile phones. What more do you want us to do?
RS: Tell the truth maybe? Tell the world that Pakistan is an official sponsor of terror?
G: What is this some kind of a reality show or something? See the last thing my government did was to ask these terrorists to wear “sponsored by Pakistani government’ t-shirts and these jokers rejected the idea saying that they only wanted to wear their pink micky mouse t shirts and pokemon pajamas. In fact the when we sent them a letter on this, the Jamat chief threatened to blow up all ships bringing in pokimon merchandise to Pakistan and we had to wilt.
RS: What is the truth behind the hoax call affair that happened recently? Did you guys really get a call?
G: Did we? I remember the expression on Zardari’s (Pak prez) face and that was unforgettable. He was literally shivering. He told me about the call and that he had spoken to Kiani (Pak army chief) and the later had clearly ruled out facing Indian Army. Kiani told our president that if a war broke out, Pakistani army would be wiped out like flies in minutes and that he had already booked open tickets to Riyadh so that he could immediately fly out, fearing the worst. The top brass of Pak army are already keeping their bags packed and most of them and their families are camping near air bases in Chakla, Faisal and Bhagtanwala so that they can be airlifted to safety as and when the Indian troops move in. Do you think we were joking in such a scenario? The call was real, as real as my neighbors midnight calls to my wife that I pretend to ignore.
RS: That is what happened after the call. But how do you know that the call did originate from India?
G: We have a scientific way of determining the nature and origin of such calls. Its only after such a detailed investigation that we came to the conclusion that the call came from India.
RS: What is this scientific way?
G: The guy on the other end was humming a new bollywood number. You see we pakis get to hear new bollywood songs only after the pirated cds start trickling in. There is no way that any paki would have known the lyrics of this song…
RS: You pakistanis must be an embarrassed lot.
G: We sure are…
RS: You have started acting against the perpetrators of the Mumbai attacks. Isn’t it too little too late?
G: We have been acting for quite a while. In fact we have been acting so well that everyone was convinced till the Mumbai attacks that we were doing something against these terrorists. No one seems to be appreciating our acting prowess now and we have fallen out of favor. Given a chance, Pakistan can beat bollywood with our hands tied as far as acting is concerned. We have so many types of actors…state ones, non state ones, transient ones..
RS: Will you ever be serious? What action have you taken against these ‘non state’ actors that you keep referring to?
G: We have given them the ultimate punishment. We have made an example out of them. No one will ever do this from now.
RS: Let me repeat. What action have you taken?
G: We have canceled their membership to the Lahore cine artists association. Officially, they wont be able to act from now on. We have also asked all major Paki magazines, newspapers and video libraries to cancel their subscriptions and they won’t be able to download any games or ringtones to their mobile phones. What more do you want us to do?
RS: Tell the truth maybe? Tell the world that Pakistan is an official sponsor of terror?
G: What is this some kind of a reality show or something? See the last thing my government did was to ask these terrorists to wear “sponsored by Pakistani government’ t-shirts and these jokers rejected the idea saying that they only wanted to wear their pink micky mouse t shirts and pokemon pajamas. In fact the when we sent them a letter on this, the Jamat chief threatened to blow up all ships bringing in pokimon merchandise to Pakistan and we had to wilt.
RS: What is the truth behind the hoax call affair that happened recently? Did you guys really get a call?
G: Did we? I remember the expression on Zardari’s (Pak prez) face and that was unforgettable. He was literally shivering. He told me about the call and that he had spoken to Kiani (Pak army chief) and the later had clearly ruled out facing Indian Army. Kiani told our president that if a war broke out, Pakistani army would be wiped out like flies in minutes and that he had already booked open tickets to Riyadh so that he could immediately fly out, fearing the worst. The top brass of Pak army are already keeping their bags packed and most of them and their families are camping near air bases in Chakla, Faisal and Bhagtanwala so that they can be airlifted to safety as and when the Indian troops move in. Do you think we were joking in such a scenario? The call was real, as real as my neighbors midnight calls to my wife that I pretend to ignore.
RS: That is what happened after the call. But how do you know that the call did originate from India?
G: We have a scientific way of determining the nature and origin of such calls. Its only after such a detailed investigation that we came to the conclusion that the call came from India.
RS: What is this scientific way?
G: The guy on the other end was humming a new bollywood number. You see we pakis get to hear new bollywood songs only after the pirated cds start trickling in. There is no way that any paki would have known the lyrics of this song…
RS: You pakistanis must be an embarrassed lot.
G: We sure are…
"Embarassed" is a very respectable word...
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