Noise of India contest

The noise of India contest

The setting- one of India’s top dhabbhas, the judges- unwanted pests and the contestants-Crème-de-la-cottage cheese of Indian politics. Politicians, cutting across party lines, gathered for the first ever Scaretelll ‘Noise of India’ contest, a clash of wits, singing abilities and talents. Did it turn out the way the organizers wanted? What went wrong? Find out.

The contestants arrived quite early and were seen practicing their songs in front of mirrors, fellow party men and even stray dogs that had unwittingly landed up. Each ‘neta’ wanted to outdo the other and camaraderie was the last thing on their minds. By 10, the ‘distinguished’ judges arrived, starting with Puppy Lahiri, who seemed to have just reached after ransacking a jewelry store. Jawed Akthar followed, clothed humbly and as usual, had a couple of couplets for the media folks. Mahesh Rutt, the third judge, announced his new movie, on the spot. “The script will be finalized after I finish shooting,” he claimed.

The first contestant, Devil Gowda walked on to stage, waving frantically at the audience and fell asleep, before reaching the microphone. He was taken away in a stretcher and a not so enthusiastic Amar Sing followed. He sang few lines praising his big brother Amitabh Bachpan and waited anxiously for the judges’ response. “You have killed the song, my friend. It seems like you have no knowledge of verse and rhythm and I wouldn’t even cast you in any of my movies”, said Mahesh Rut. Tears started rolling down Amar Sing’s cheeks and he was inconsolable and was taken away from the podium.

Prakash Karat followed with a song praising our eastern neighbor. He was pelted with low-cal eggs and booed off stage. Next up- the irrepressible Lallo. He came, looked at the judges and sang his rendition of Hotel California... As he finished the song, Jawed literally pounced on him. “Do you even know the meaning of the song? How dare you ruin such meaningful lyrics and sing in such an out-of-tune manner? I cannot give you any marks, please go away. A grumbling Lallo was heard mumbling “wait till you travel by my train, I will ensure that you will have the ride of your life”.

Shotgun Sinha was the next contestant, who performed his take on ‘mere angane me tumhaara kya kaam hai’. This time it was Puppy Lahiri’s turn to insult the contestant. “Is this a song? What have you sung? “itna bad toh mera doggie bhi nahi sing kareghiii(even my dog can sing better)," he said. Shotgun was furious and didn’t wait for Puppy to finish, to exchange pleasantries. “Abhey paneer ki dukhan, ruee key goddam (cottage cheese store and cotton warehouse), what do you know about music other than plagiarizing tunes from foreign numbers? And you have parked your stadium-sized bottom there as a judge," shot gun said. How dare you insult me, I will go high court, I will go to supreme court," thundered Puppy. "Go to a food court first, like you always do," replied shotgun.

Mahesh Rutt tried to intervene, by when all the other contestants had gathered. Seizing the opportunity, Shotgun ran, pounced on Puppy and started raining blows left and right. Puppy collapsed on the podium, which gave way under the weight of the big dude and his jewels. The entire bunch is now recovering at a Bandra hospital.

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