I have a problem with India:Steve Bucknor

This guy is more of a vampire rather than an umpire. Blind as a bat, deaf as a post, Cheap Ducknor is nothing but a dumb guy who believes in seeking cheap thrills. Our sports correspondent Bored Masoomdoor interviewed the jerk and came back convinced about his sub-human intellect and abysmal knowledge of the rules of cricket.
BM: What seems to be your problem, Mr Ducknor? Why is the Indian team at the receiving end of your poor decisions?

CD: Who said that? I cannot see anyone but can hear some voices. Can you come closer?

BM: I am sitting opposite to you. Do you have problems with your eyes?

CD: Yeah and I cannot hear much either.

BM: Ok, forget that and answer my question.

CD: Its all due to the Indian film industry.

BM: How is that?

CD: Some years ago I had approached a famous Indian director for a role in an upcoming movie. I was to be the lead joker of the movie. The movie never took off and all my dreams were grounded and I swore revenge. It was then that I decided to become an umpire to take revenge on every Indian. I found many other aspiring jokers in the ICC who were more than willing to accept me in their fold.

BM: So you became a vampire I mean umpire for taking revenge?

CD: Yes, and I am doing pretty well, don’t you agree?

BM: Have you completely given up on your acting dreams?

CD: No that time when the cameras caught me aping Rahul Dravid, I was actually practicing my usual routine. I often practice that in between matches.

BM: That's is why you have no time to concentrate on the match and make correct decisions, right?

CD: Precisely

BM: But, if you have no time to see each delivery, how do you make decisions?

CD: It’s a very scientific process. I watch the expression on the face of the batsman, the intensity of appeal, reaction of the crowds and of course finally I do a toss in my mind and decide. In case of Sachin, I just give him out as I love to see the frustration on his face and the relief on the face of the bowler.

BM: Aren’t you ashamed? Doing drama on the field and abusing your powers as an umpire?

CD: You people should be ashamed. All I asked for was a role as a joker in a b-grade movie. Was it too much to ask for? If you had given me that chance, you wouldn’t have had to see the freak show that I put up everytime India plays and I officiate.

BM: How will you continue like this?

CD: As long as possible. Besides these days I am receiving plenty of fan mail. The other day I got a mail from someone claiming to be from Al faeyda. He told me that he was impressed with the way I harass the Indian team and wanted to know if he could take up umpiring for other sports involving the United States.

BM: Is it true that you had some sort of offer from Madam Tassauds?

CD: Yes, they wanted to know if I could chip in for a dummy that has been sent for repairs. They wanted me to stand in the museum instead of the dummy. I have agreed as I have plenty of experience standing emotionless and brain dead for hours at a stretch.

Bored Masoomdoor

Sports editor