Thursday, December 12, 2019

Poaching threat: Arnab Goswami’s new maid shifted to Taj Mumbai

The war between India’s leading examples of non-thyroid or senility driven maniac behavior, Republic TV’s Arnab Goswami, and India Today’s Rajdeep Sardesai escalated recently. The two got into a major struggle over a maid on Monday, leading to an exchange of less than pleasant words on both sides.

The chain of events was triggered when Arnab’s old maid Aluminum Devi quit (wanted to pursue better opportunities outside Arnab’s domestic terminal). Her replacement was hired after Arnab hired an international talent search agency who, after due diligence, selected a suitable candidate who had a problem with her hearing abilities. This made her an ideal candidate as she had to put up with Arnab’s voice modulation sessions, which used to go on for nearly 7 hours at a stretch sometimes. During these sessions, he used to scream, shout, howl, threaten, and behave like Greta Thunberg’s vocal uncle.

When Rajdeep learned of his rival hiring a new maid, he thought of doing the same as well since his maid had also joined a big four accounting organization that has been selected as the advisor for the BPCL sell-off drive. Things were going smoothly so far. But events took a turn for the worse when Arnab began bragging about his new maid to his neighbors and over his news channel.
“Citizens and aliens. Friends and foes. Living beings and inanimate protoplasmic animations, your own anchor, your friendly neighborhood powder man, I the great Arnab have employed a new maid. In this era of a slight economic pinch, I the one and only champion and voice of the vocally depressed have attained this new milestone in my life,” said Arnab over his nightly news capsule Dusk Decibels with Arnab.

A jealous Rajdeep swung into action and reached out to local maid recruiter, bandage-free mummy, and the world’s largest consumer of liquid Botox products Simi Garewal. Simi helped Rajdeep reach out to the new incumbent and got her to delay her joining date at the Arnab household. When Arnab, through his sources, came to know of this, he moved quickly and picked up the new incumbent from her house and dropped her at the Taj Hotel in Colaba at 4 am in the morning.

This move caught Rajdeep by surprise. Crying foul, he approached the Maid Regulatory Authority of India (MRAI) with a complaint running into 980 pages. He alleged that Arnab had prevented the maid from joining his household and was detaining her illegally. Arnab meanwhile held a press conference at the hotel and presented the maid who claimed that she had voluntarily joined team Arnab.  

Rajdeep meanwhile turned up at the presser unannounced and started heckling Arnab. Since Rajdeep, in a hurry, had forgotten to put on white paint on his hair, was unrecognizable, people were not able to place him when he arrived. But as and when the heckling started, Arnab asked Rajdeep to turn his volume down and speak to the camera and talk in ‘print’ language rather than gestures. Rajdeep, in turn, called Arnab, a goat that has moved on to greener pastures while forgetting the underlying ethos of paid journalism.

An artist's illustration of Arnab being taken to
the hospital
Arnab then glanced at Rajdeep and alleged that he was having an affair with an ex NDTV colleague and that Rajdeep was indulging in all this drama to blackmail him into preventing Arnab from exposing that affair in public. “Isn’t it true, Mr. Rajdeep, that you have traveled to various countries recently to meet this new lady in your life? Isn't it true that you asked Shashi (Tharoor) to give you lessons in hiding your liaisons? Isn’t it…” before Arnab could finish this sentence, Rajdeep rushed to the podium and started thulping Arnab.

In just a matter of minutes, Arnab’s glasses, his pen, and his grocery list were seen flying in the air. Rajdeep dragged him down and smashed a chair on his back, and Arnab collapsed, muttering “the nation needs to…”.

Arnab answering a call from his investor
from his hospital bed
Rajdeep then walked away from the venue while an ambulance rushed Arnab to a bed reserved for him in the local Peelavathi hospital. “I could have thrashed him with my index finger. But since I am a follower of Gandhiji and believe in Ahimsa and peaceful co-existence, I didn’t raise a finger while I was being turned into instant noodles,” Arnab said in a press note read out by his wife Pipi Goswami. Mrs. Arnab Goswami claimed that only she had the right to thrash Arnab, and anyone doing so was doing it illegally, and she will ask the NIA and CBI to launch a probe into the whole incident.
Rajdeep was not available for a comment as he was offline on Skype since Wednesday.  

Arnab's wife Pipi vanished after reading the statement taking son Pappu Goswami and pet lab Puppy Goswami in tow. 

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Pakistan does it's own ASAT testing, brings down a carrier pigeon

Close on the heels of India testing its anti-satellite weapon A-SAT, today, sources have informed Humor Unplugged that pakistan also conducted it's own A-SAT test around the same time and claimed it was a 'complete success'.

A nano satellite 
It may be remembered that in his live address to the nation today afternoon, Prime Minister Narendra Modi announced that India had “shot down” a low orbit satellite in ‘Mission Shakti’. As soon as the news reached pakistan, officials in pakistani DRDO (Defense Reaction and Duplication Organisation) ran helter-skelter for an hour before they unanimously decided to test their own A-SAT.

After a few hours, the same officials came out and announced that pakistan had tested its own A-SAT and the test was such a huge success that few officials fainted on the spot while a few others froze in disbelief. Still others started celebrating calling it the biggest moment in the country's history since pakistanis figured out a way of using a calculator in the early nineties.

The test of the weapon was done around 3 pm local time. Sources in the pakistani weather bureau confirmed that a projectile was indeed detected by their radars around 3 pm. It covered a distance of almost 500 mts, hit something in the air and then disappeared from the radar, a source in the pak weather bureau said.

Meanwhile, a source on the ground claimed that the projectile hit a carrier pigeon
which fell to the ground but flew away after a while. "It was a huge stone that came flying and we thought it would destroy a few houses, but instead it hit a pigeon, bounced and fell into a local ditch," the source said.

The pakistani A-SAT platform
Pakistan's PM meanwhile said he was too busy to come on TV to make the announcement. Paki army chief Mullah Gomar said "the weapon met all its flight parameters and hit its target with high accuracy and force. It almost reminded me of the time when my mother in law hit me with a frying pan when I tried to steal a cookie from her oven a few years back. That hit was in fact more accurate. My mascara was ruined and I couldn't play rainbow tag for over a year. Luckily it didn't impact my cranial capacity as it was already at the level of a bleached sandstone," Gomar said.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Hurt and angry Pakistan lashes out; says won’t send Jihadis to attack US anymore

Pakistan government is planning to stop all planned and unplanned terror attacks directed against US interests around the world in the wake of US President Donald Trump's remarks warning Islamabad against providing safe havens to terrorists, according to a media report and other sources.

Paid Pakistani protesters 
Pakistan’s Don News reported that Prime Minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi and Pak army chief Javed Bhajwa met yesterday to discuss ways to get back at US and to “teach Trump a lesson” for degrading Pakistanis. After the meeting, Javed Bhajwa issued an email memo to the ISI with a BCC to listterrorpak asking all terror groups to stop targeting US interests till such a time that US apologizes to it.

“Pakistan is a proud nation and we have been involved in shaping US destiny and this is the way we are being repaid. Our state sponsored citizens have worked hard to destabilize US through the first wave of World Trade Center bombings and later through 9/11 lead highjacker Atta and others and in many other terror plots that we unleashed. Our terrorists have done a fantastic jo
b and US responds by cutting our aid. US cuts the very money which goes into financing, training, arming and sheltering US’ state enemies and they also insult us for the 18th time this year and that’s unacceptable,” Bajwa is reported to have told the Pakistani PM.

Bajwa’s email accessed by Humor Unplugged reads ”we are deeply pained. This pain reminds me of the time my wife ran away with a neighbor and my credit card. The disappointing part was that she returned but the credit card didn't. So from this moment onwards, you are all instructed to stop all terror camps, training and funding activities and wind up shelters designed to host terrorists wanted by US. Terrorists being trained against 37 other countries will however continue to receive training and funding till further order.”

Reactions from others quarters were of extreme disappointment. “I was counting on US aid money to come. I wanted to use some of it for building a coastal mansion in Karachi. You see we know how to pull a fast one on the amrikis and now that the money is not coming, I will have to go back to blackmailing Pakistani politicians,” a senior ISI official told Humor Unplugged on a chat via skype.

Some were however not so disappointed. “Pakistan has been on the brink since the day we became independent. We have always had some benefactor funding the circus that we have become. Earlier it was US and now it is China. We are always ready to dance and just need a patron. Jinnah created Pakistan so that he would get money from UK and that’s a known fact. So essentially nothing has changed. In fact, Pakistan might soon end up under Chinese occupation and that will end the problem once and for all so just wait and watch,” Don News editor Mullah Hookah Khan said.

A Pakistani citizen called Trump’s speech the greatest insult to Pakistan in the last 24 hours. “Am sure some other country will insult Pakistan even more in the next 24 hours and we will then move on. You see the state of Pakistan has become immune to insult,” she said.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Chandigarh boy appointed planetary protection officer by NASA

Close on the heels of a Chandigarh boy making it to Google HQ and back in a span of 24 hours, another boy from the city has made the country proud. Antariksh Sharma, a student of DAB school of fine arts has been appointed planetary protection officer by none other than the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA).

It may be remembered that on July 13, NASA announced that they are hiring a "planetary protection officer," whose chief responsibilities would include protecting our beloved planet from the alien menace. Antariksh was apparently selected based on his amazing background which includes being able to name many stars in the night sky simply with the help of Google Sky. He can also look at the night sky and tell if the sky is cloudy or not.
Looks legit: The Offer Letter Antariksh got

Needless to say his parents are extremely excited. Father Sharma ji said “he was always into space. In the fights he used to pick up with his peers here, he always used to ask them to give him space and it was then that we knew he was destined for greatness. His mom however says that it was her brother who taught Antariksh everything he knew. “His uncle used to get drunk during the daytime, fall into ditches and then describe all kinds of stars he was seeing and that was a huge inspiration for our pappu,” she said.

Antariksh got the offer letter yesterday and he has been partying non-stop since then.
India’s leading tabloid Times of India has already published the story without any kind of verification. The kid will be appearing on Times Now tonight and he has been asked to recite two poems on space to prove that he has indeed been selected.

Antariksh has shared a copy of his offer letter with us and I must say that it is more than enough to make Times of India journos believe that he has indeed got into NASA.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Images from Pakistan -

Live images from Pakistan's 9th International Defence Exhibition and Seminar (IDEAS)

What Pak tanks are used for

Thursday, February 4, 2016

US all set to export F35 jets to China

In the latest blow to the much maligned F-35 program, engineers have uncovered a slew of flaws during extensive testing of the newest versions of the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter, a Pentagon report said, adding to a litany of issues including software bugs, technical glitches. But a source within the Pentagon speaking on condition partial anonymity, told us that US has now decided to finally take the project to completion that too in a manner that "you wouldn't have expected".

"US is offering F-35 fighters to nations that are less than friends such as China and Iran. I was part of a snack hour meeting yesterday where we decided to do this. F-35s would make the enemy more vulnerable in the air and we will exploit that vulnerability to our advantage. They are getting ready to offer it to everyone including Russia," said Bill, a Flight Systems Specialist at DARPA.

China, it may be remembered has its own 5th Gen jet copied from the F-35. In fact, China had approached Lockheed Martin in May last year for a contract to fix the very same flaws that F-35 had which had turned up in the Chinese fighter jet. But Lockheed Martin politely refused. So China had no option but to keep its neck down till it figured out an alternative.

Pakistan meanwhile said that it was eager to repaint an F-35 even with the flaws.

Poaching threat: Arnab Goswami’s new maid shifted to Taj Mumbai

The war between India’s leading examples of non-thyroid or senility driven maniac behavior, Republic TV’s Arnab Goswami, and India Today’...