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Rajdeep Sardesai slapped by Simi Garewal

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Humor Unplugged to file suit against ponytail

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Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Pakistan test fires nuclear capable kitty

Pakistan successfully test-fired a new "indigenously" developed cruise cat which is capable of delivering nuclear and conventional warheads up to 10 mts.
Pakistan's nuclear kitty
Pakistan army said the cat named Ra’ad enables Pakistan to achieve “strategic standoff and run like cockroaches capability” on land and at sea, as it uses extremely complex “Cruise Technology” that is so complex that many Pakistani scientists have still not figured out how the whole thing works.
The Pak Army officials said, “The state of the art Ra’ad kitty with stealth capabilities is a low altitude, terrain hugging cat with high maneuverability and can deliver nuclear and conventional warheads with pinprick accuracy. It is in fact so stealthy that once someone closes their eyes, they are unable to see the cat and it becomes invisible”
Congratulating the scientists and engineers on achieving yet another milestone of historic significance, Lieutenant General Zubair Mahmood Hayat, Director General Strategic Plans Division termed it a major step towards strengthening Pakistan’s full spectrum credible minimum deterrence capability before falling on the ground laughing. "We are expecting Indian Army to come deep inside Pakistan once the war breaks and we can use this kitty in such a situation. It will fetch us enough time to book one way tickets to Saudi(Arabia) and run like crazy," he said later.

Commenting on the test of the cat, Zubair said "I can only say that the test was so successful that my wife actually cooked food for me yesterday and I didnt have to go to the army mess".
  


Friday, January 30, 2015

Kolkata wi-fi rollout problems sorted out: O Frian

Just hours after Times of India came out with an article highlighting concerns associated with the impending Wi-Fi rollout in Kolkata, The state government came out with a comprehensive plan of action to prevent bandwidth clogging.

The plan was outlined in an informal meet the press organised by Trinamool Congress spokesperson and Ra.One enthusiast Dereck O Frian today morning. "We are aware of media reports that have overplayed the clogging concerns associated with a Wi-fi roll out in Kolkata. I am here to clarify that such concerns are unfounded and based on a foundation that is as strong as the one Jinnah used to create Pakistan," O Frian said. 

Humor Unplugged got hold of the document he was waving and got to know the tactics lined up by Mamata government to resolve the issue. 

Here are some of the highlights of the plan
  • People found downloading more than 2 MB of data will be lathi charged and chased away
  • Those who download over 10 MB will be categorized as maoists and will disappear without a trace
  • Those using the free Wifi to criticize the state government or its minions will be forcefully deposited in a psychiatric facility 
  • Those downloading movies will be forced to work in the publicity wing of the state government 
  • Those found downloading data for more than an hour will be forced to attend CM's rallies. They will also have to compose and sing a poem dedicated to the state CM
  •  Heads of those sharing selfies using state Wifi will be shaved 

O Frian slithered away after sharing these points and we were not able to question him. 


Sunday, January 25, 2015

Obama and Modi agree to do a Bollywood duet



In what could be construed as a sign of increasing warmth in Indo-US ties US president Barack Obama and Indian PM Modi have agreed to do a duet in bollywood. The decision will.be made public sometime tommorow evening, sources close to the Indian government told Humor Unplugged.

Coming on the heels of the agreement on liability as part of the civilian nuclear deal, experts on both sides agree that this duet will go a long way in cementing ties and taking Indo-US relationship to the next level.

"The Indian government is working to identify a suitable movie and song which will be on the lines of yeh dosti from Sholey to execute the agreement. I will share an update on this soon" a BJP source said.

The left parties meanwhile condemned the move terming it derogatory and "downright littoral in intellectual appeal".

Pakistan claimed that the duet will not adversely affect Pako-US ties. "Pakistans leadership has always danced to US tunes. We will upgrade this dance to a duet soon" a Pakistani leader said.








Friday, November 14, 2014

Rohit Sharma was the real winner, today: admits Ravi Shastri

After Rohit Sharma's record breaking performance yesterday, former commentator and team India manager Ravi Shastri was forced to admit that Sharma was the real winner in the match between India and Lanka.

"Rohit Sharma was the real winner today and cricket came a close second," he said. A few folks in the audience fainted and few felt like Neetu Singh after Katrina Kaif dropped by, as soon as they heard these words from Shastri's mouth. No one could believe the former Indian cricketer could say that.

"In the world of commentary cliches, Ravi Shastri occupies a whole nation covering an area greater than Brazil. One can actually predict what he is going to say hours before he says it and here we were seeing the dude admit that someone other than cricket actually won as compared to cricket. And this is a big thing," Bored Massomdar, cricket historian and all round loudmouth said.

The markets reacted positively to the statement with the BSE sensex rising by 400 points on Friday morning. The NSE was also up 57 points.

Finance minister Arun Jaitley meanwhile said that the government was working with Ravi Shastri to reduce the number of cliches used by him in a typical commentary session.

Sri Lanka meanwhile promised to arrest at least 40 Indian fishermen in retaliation for Rohit's innings.


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