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Friday, November 14, 2014

Rohit Sharma was the real winner, today: admits Ravi Shastri

After Rohit Sharma's record breaking performance yesterday, former commentator and team India manager Ravi Shastri was forced to admit that Sharma was the real winner in the match between India and Lanka.

"Rohit Sharma was the real winner today and cricket came a close second," he said. A few folks in the audience fainted and few felt like Neetu Singh after Katrina Kaif dropped by, as soon as they heard these words from Shastri's mouth. No one could believe the former Indian cricketer could say that.

"In the world of commentary cliches, Ravi Shastri occupies a whole nation covering an area greater than Brazil. One can actually predict what he is going to say hours before he says it and here we were seeing the dude admit that someone other than cricket actually won as compared to cricket. And this is a big thing," Bored Massomdar, cricket historian and all round loudmouth said.

The markets reacted positively to the statement with the BSE sensex rising by 400 points on Friday morning. The NSE was also up 57 points.

Finance minister Arun Jaitley meanwhile said that the government was working with Ravi Shastri to reduce the number of cliches used by him in a typical commentary session.

Sri Lanka meanwhile promised to arrest at least 40 Indian fishermen in retaliation for Rohit's innings.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Arvind Kejriwal rushing to Delhi

In what could be described as a "development" within hours of the Supreme Court chiding central government over the delay in forming a government in Delhi, our reporters spotted Aam Aadmi Party chief Arvind Kejriwal flying in a hurry to Delhi.

That's Kejriwal

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

UN Secretary Gen sends a stinker to Pakistan on the Kashmir issue

Pakistan’s National Security and Foreign Affairs Adviser Sartaj Aziz recently wrote to the UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon whining about the situation at the Line of Control. He was not expecting a reply but the Moon surprised him as he got a reply not from the Secretary General but from a Section Officer in the Information Wing of the UN. Humor Unplugged obtained a copy of the letter and we are producing it herewith in the larger interest of the readers.

This letter, written with concern and attention, is in response to your recent communication regarding the unfortunate series of incidents that prevailed on or near the Line of Control and on or near the Internal Boundary separating India and your nation.

The pacifier dispatched by UN to Islamabad
As you are aware, the Secretary General doesn't give a hoodoo about the Kashmir dispute between your country and India. He has other urgent matters that seek his immediate and undivided attention and matters such as the one which you have raised are nothing but unpleasant and undesired digression.

The Secretary General is of the opinion that Pakistan needs to grow up and act its age. Indulging in juvenile behavior such as lobbing shells from areas held by you into another nation and dispatching terrorists tantamount to a level of intellect that can only be equated with a unicellular organism so lower down the evolutionary ladder that we may need the assistance of a magnifying mechanism to perceive its presence.

By rushing to the UN with a compliant on every real and perceived notion of injustice your country has demonstrated a lack of will and maturity to handle situations that are of your own initiation. I must admit that your lack of ripe judgement capacity is of concern to us considering the fact that this has created hideous situations for your country.

India, you may note, is a large neighbor a nation that is not just bigger in size and strength; but also more mature and evolved than your nation could ever aspire to be. Further, while India has made giant strides in development and has even send a probe to Mars, your country is barely able to stand on its own feet sans pittance from Saudi Arabia and United States. On every platform provided by UN, your country has whined, fought against and exasperated India. It is clear to the Secretary General and the UN that your nation exists, but only, to promote a sense of victimhood and to provoke and anger India. The UN finds this behavior UNacceptable and UNworthy of UN’s attention or intervention.

The Secretary General has therefore directed me to inform you that he is weary of your interloping and wishes your nation, people and its leadership surrender this fettering preoccupation with Kashmir and by extension, India. He has set a mail filter to be applied from 15th October 2014 due to which all mails bearing the word Kashmir in them will be automatically moved to the thrash folder. Also, any attempt to raise this issue over a call with any UN emissary will result in the number being barred forever.

We are also dispatching a industry grade pacifier with this communication. You may use this to control your urge to draft further complaints on this issue.

On behalf of UN and our Secretary General, I wish you and your nation well and sincerely hope your country realizes the import of this final communication on this topic.

Warm regards,

Tant Xwofu
Section Officer,

Monday, October 6, 2014

Pakistan had denied its involvement in the Harvard threat mail episode

Recently, hundreds of students and other people affiliated with Harvard University got a threatening email followed by a second message with an apology that apparently came from the same email account. Seems like the whole incident was a prank but the Pakistan government chose to take it seriously and as per established protocol, issued a firm denial on the involvement of Pakistani terrorists in the episode.

Pakistani terrorists 
“We landed with an Ostrich’s egg on our face this time. We have an established denial protocol. We have to deny involvement of Pakistani terrorists within 8 hours of a major terror incident. The facts can be checked later and even if evidence emerges to the contrary, we continue denying till the incident dies down. In this case, we issued a standard denial but the whole thing turned out to be a hoax and we looked like a bunch of Bilawal Bhuttos,” a source in the Pakistani foreign ministry said.

“We condemn this barbaric instance of terrorism. As everyone knows, Pakistan has been a victim of terrorism since ages and despite fostering terrorism as an state instrument, we have been at receiving end of all types of terrorism and this is not fair. We also take this opportunity to deny the involvement of Pakistan-based terrorists in this incident. We promise to offer all forms of cooperation to US in dealing with the fallout of this incident. Pakistani terrorists do not believe in threatening and more often than not, they simply attack. So our boys are not behind this threat,” a statement issued earlier by Pakistan PM’s office said while condemning the Harvard terror threat.

This statement was retracted by Pakistan PM’s office earlier today.  

According to government figures, Pakistan is today sponsoring terrorists who are operating in over 45 countries.