UN Secretary Gen sends a stinker to Pakistan on the Kashmir issue
Pakistan’s National Security and Foreign Affairs Adviser Sartaj Aziz recently wrote to the UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon whining about the situation at the Line of Control. He was not expecting a reply but the Moon surprised him as he got a reply not from the Secretary General but from a Section Officer in the Information Wing of the UN. Humor Unplugged obtained a copy of the letter and we are producing it herewith in the larger interest of the readers.
Excellency,
This letter, written with concern and attention, is in response to your recent communication regarding the unfortunate series of incidents that prevailed on or near the Line of Control and on or near the Internal Boundary separating India and your nation.
As you are aware, the Secretary-General doesn't give a hoodoo about the Kashmir dispute between your country and India. He has other urgent matters that seek his immediate and undivided attention and matters such as the one which you have raised are nothing but an unpleasant and undesired digression.
The Secretary-General is of the opinion that Pakistan needs to grow up and act its age. Indulging in juvenile behavior such as lobbing shells from areas held by you into another nation and dispatching terrorists tantamount to a level of intellect that can only be equated with a unicellular organism so lower down the evolutionary ladder that we may need the assistance of a magnifying mechanism to perceive its presence.
By rushing to the UN with a complaint on every real and perceived notion of injustice your country has demonstrated a lack of will and maturity to handle situations that are of your own initiation. I must admit that your lack of ripe judgment capacity is of concern to us considering the fact that this has created hideous situations for your country.
India, you may note, is a large neighbor a nation that is not just bigger in size and strength; but also more mature and evolved than your nation could ever aspire to be. Further, while India has made giant strides in development and has even sent a probe to Mars, your country is barely able to stand on its own feet sans pittance from Saudi Arabia and United States. On every platform provided by UN, your country has whined, fought against, and exasperated India. It is clear to the Secretary-General and the UN that your nation exists, but only, to promote a sense of victimhood and to provoke and anger India. The UN finds this behavior UNacceptable and UNworthy of UN’s attention or intervention.
The Secretary-General has therefore directed me to inform you that he is weary of your interloping and wishes your nation, people and its leadership surrender this fettering preoccupation with Kashmir and by extension, India. He has set a mail filter to be applied from 15th October 2014 due to which all mails bearing the word Kashmir in them will be automatically moved to the trash folder. Also, any attempt to raise this issue over a call with any UN emissary will result in the number being barred forever.
We are also dispatching an industry-grade pacifier with this communication. You may use this to control your urge to draft further complaints on this issue.
On behalf of the UN and our Secretary-General, I wish you and your nation well and sincerely hope your country realizes the import of this final communication on this topic.
Warm regards,
Tant Xwofu
Section Officer,
Communications
Excellency,
This letter, written with concern and attention, is in response to your recent communication regarding the unfortunate series of incidents that prevailed on or near the Line of Control and on or near the Internal Boundary separating India and your nation.
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| The pacifier dispatched by UN to Islamabad |
The Secretary-General is of the opinion that Pakistan needs to grow up and act its age. Indulging in juvenile behavior such as lobbing shells from areas held by you into another nation and dispatching terrorists tantamount to a level of intellect that can only be equated with a unicellular organism so lower down the evolutionary ladder that we may need the assistance of a magnifying mechanism to perceive its presence.
By rushing to the UN with a complaint on every real and perceived notion of injustice your country has demonstrated a lack of will and maturity to handle situations that are of your own initiation. I must admit that your lack of ripe judgment capacity is of concern to us considering the fact that this has created hideous situations for your country.
India, you may note, is a large neighbor a nation that is not just bigger in size and strength; but also more mature and evolved than your nation could ever aspire to be. Further, while India has made giant strides in development and has even sent a probe to Mars, your country is barely able to stand on its own feet sans pittance from Saudi Arabia and United States. On every platform provided by UN, your country has whined, fought against, and exasperated India. It is clear to the Secretary-General and the UN that your nation exists, but only, to promote a sense of victimhood and to provoke and anger India. The UN finds this behavior UNacceptable and UNworthy of UN’s attention or intervention.
The Secretary-General has therefore directed me to inform you that he is weary of your interloping and wishes your nation, people and its leadership surrender this fettering preoccupation with Kashmir and by extension, India. He has set a mail filter to be applied from 15th October 2014 due to which all mails bearing the word Kashmir in them will be automatically moved to the trash folder. Also, any attempt to raise this issue over a call with any UN emissary will result in the number being barred forever.
We are also dispatching an industry-grade pacifier with this communication. You may use this to control your urge to draft further complaints on this issue.
On behalf of the UN and our Secretary-General, I wish you and your nation well and sincerely hope your country realizes the import of this final communication on this topic.
Warm regards,
Tant Xwofu
Section Officer,
Communications
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