Showing posts from July, 2011

God particle to be found soon; honest Indian politician elusive

Scientists hoping to figure out how the Universe began will find a long-sought theoretical particle — or evidence of its existence — by the end of 2012, the director of the world's largest atom smasher claimed on Friday. That was however the good news and heres the bad news. The task of finding a honest politician in India will take atleast another 150 years as the target is not just rare, but seems non-existent.

Rolf Heuer, director of the European particle physics laboratory, said his confidence was based on the latest findings from the $10 billion proton collider deployed under the Swiss-French border. Rolf's team, which is also tasked with finding a honest and incorruptible leader in the Indian political landscape, is however not so optimistic over making such a find, anytime soon.

The Higgs boson isn't just any particle. It is considered the linchpin of the Standard Model of particle physics theory that supports the Big Bang theory. It is believed to answer a fundamen…

Mayawati and Baba Ramdev are going around…

The latest 'shouldn’t-be-it' couple of Indian politics, monumental disaster Mayawati and the toad tummied publicity seeker Baba Ramdev were spotted together at a Apple store in Lucknow on Thursday. Sources have confirmed that the two were very much a couple and went around the store checking out cool Apple merchandise and chatting away, unmindful of the attention they were drawing from curious staff at the store.

If that information is not enough, then a store rep told Humor Unplugged, “They seemed very much in love. They were in our store for about 10 minutes before an angry mob gathered there and chased them out. "

The two were also spotted together on Wednesday. Mayawati made time to visit her boyfriend, despite her busy schedule. She is currently supervising the construction of a statue of herself in a park in Agra. Ramdev has already gifted his lady love a garland of 1000 notes while Mayawati reciprocated the favor by issuing an government order to construct a statu…

What dementia? Kalmadi is expanding his Google+ friends list

Looks like CWG crook Suresh Kalmadi has forgotten that he has dementia.

We all knew that Kalmadi was faking the whole ‘dementia’ thingi and now we have irrefutable proof of Kalmadi being allright. Humor Unplugged has learnt that Kalmadi has been expanding his friends list on Google+ and as late as yesterday evening, many of his friends reported receiving an invitation from the CWG goon himself. Some of them have also been added by Kalmadi to circles in his friends list.

“I was shocked. I mean he is supposed to have dementia and on top of that they don’t allow prisoners to access net, let alone social media sites, inside Tihar. But Kalmadi seems to be on top of things. He has added me to his friends circle and has even tagged me in a pic of a collapsed CWG stadium wing,” a contractor who had constructed a stadium for CWG claimed.

Few others were equally surprised by the turn of events. “I received an invite while I was jamming with a Nauruan Jazz band and I almost fainted and collapse…

Images for the week gone by: Atlantis comes home and more


Yeddyurappa gets a cold welcome in Mauritius; ministers warned to stay away

Humor Unplugged has learnt that Karnataka CM B S Yeddyurappa is being avoided by the Mauritian government during his ongoing vacation visit to the country. According to our sources, the country’s interior ministry has passed a confidential internal note stating that the Karnataka CM was a bad influence on the ministers of the government there and warned all connected officials to stay away from Yeddyurappa. We have managed to obtain a copy of the confidential note and are exclusively publishing it here. Eat your heart out – Times Now.

Congress to deploy a new variant of Digvijay Singh

Congress Labs, India’s premier political laboratory, is close to deploying a long range variant of its highly criticised bull$hiter, Digvijay Singh. Sources in the Congress party have told Humor Unplugged that the beta version of the long range variant has successfully completed a battery of lab tests and is ready for minimal test deployment at the national level.        

Digvijay Singh, is a well-known trouble$hitter for the Congress party. His tactic is simple, just throw enough bull$hit into the air to divert attention from a scandal and wait till public attention is adequately diverted (@KBhat144, 2011). However, sources in ruling party say that the effect in some cases only lasts till a short duration of a week or so and sometimes scandals do come back to haunt Congress, bigtime. In such situations, the party has no choice but to stay mum and hope the storm passes by quietly without wrecking the port.

All that could probably change soon with the launch of Digvijay-II having a …

Kacchini – the censor board compliant and morally acceptable swimming trunks

It no secret that the censor board in India uses a razor sharp moral scissor to slice off all kinds of scenes and dialogues from our movies. Though the use of this scissor has been the topic of debate for many a news-devoid news channel, it is only recently that a group of scientists got together to help movie makers avoid the moral scissor. This group has now successfully developed swimming trunks for men and women that will prevent the censor board from chopping “vital to script” scenes involving beaches, pools and ofcourse people.

Announcing the launch of the trunks at a crowded press conference where someone stole our political correspondent Rajcreep Sorefakeeye’s valet, team lead Dr.Hammerschmidst said “these aesthetically designed trunks called Kacchini will help our filmmakers avoid running into trouble with the censor board. They are designed in such a way that our moviemakers will be able to shoot important scenes at beaches and pools without worrying about these scenes bein…

Someone saw a good politician...


Jim Carrey will help Chinese leaders emote

Chinese leaders have often been accused of being inert and robotic, when it comes to displaying emotion in public. Things have become so bad that when Indian model and alleged actor John Abraham went to Beijing recently, many citizens presumed that he was a senior leader of the Chinese communist party since he was hardly displaying any emotion. All that is going to change soon, as the top brass of Chinese leadership has been ordered to undergo a compulsory course in emoting conducted by none other than actor and facial gymnast Jim Carrey.

Sources in the Chinese government have confirmed the development and claim that the course for the first batch of 60 will start as early as August this year. Jim Carrey has already been signed on and warned that if his course doesn’t work , he will have to spend the rest of his life as a slave in a coal mine in Xiaxing province.

“Yes, the news is true and you can see this pic where our junior-sub-under Chairman Yukk Thoo Chin is shaking hands with J…

Royal UK Mujaheddin claims responsibility for Murdoch attack

A little known militant group calling itself the ‘Royal UK Mujaheddin’ has claimed responsibility for the attack on Newcorp owner and patriarch Rupert Murdoch.

In a mail sent out to various publications in UK and elsewhere, the Royal UK Mujaheddin claimed that they attacked Murdoch out of sheer boredom and there was no bogus grievance whatsoever behind the attack. “It’s been ages since we saw sunlight and we were tired of watching reruns on TV so we decided to step out and get some press coverage for ourselves. Please let us know if we have succeeded,” a mail sent by the group said.

The group also claimed that the pie used in the attack was a 10-day old one and is part of its desire to evolve into a full fledged bio-chem warfare unit in the future. "Today it is the humble pie. Tomorrow it will be pro biotic curd and day after it will be stale tofu..fear the wrath of the Royal UK Mujaheddin, UKers, Britishers or whoever is reading this email," the email warned. The email cam…

Images for the week gone by...Carla, rainbow and doughnuts


A Raja, Suresh Kalmadi and B S Yedurappa launch trust

Three of India’s most notorious criminally corrupt crooks (NCC) have come together to form a trust that will seek custody of all newly discovered public treasures and wealth. Yes, you have heard it right, these three crooks have already filed a claim with the finance ministry for handing over the treasure found at the Sree Padmanabhaswamy Temple in Kerala to their trust so that the money can be used for ‘public welfare’.

The trust called KRY (Kalmadi, Raja and Yeddy) was inaugurated on Thursday by the trio with Dayanidhi Maran in attendance. “Between us we have spent over 90 years in public service and have handled over 3,00,000 crores in public money. Only we have the expertise to manage such a huge sum of money and the government should release the same to us so that we can use it for public welfare,” Kalmadi said while having noodles with a jail superintendent in Tihar.

“I haven’t had sound sleep since I heard about the treasure in Kerala. I mean just imagine if some criminal stea…

A message to our politicians from the people of India


Intelligence Bureau strikes - apprehends crook stealing cheeku

India’s premier IQ deficient anti-terror agency the ‘Intelligence’ Bureau has claimed that it has scored a major victory in its war on terrorism. IB Sleuths have successfully apprehended a petty thief stealing Sapodilla aka cheeku fruits from the prime minister’s residence 7, Race Course Road. It may be remembered that 'I'B has been accused of criminal negligence on innumerable occasions especially those involving national security.
Acting on a tip off received almost 3 months ago, the 'I'B sleuths started monitoring the premises of the PM more actively and even tapping his phones just for timepass. Apparently, the crook had been stealing cheeku from a garden in the PM's residence since the last few years.
“Today morning at 4 am when one of the two sleuths on a stakeout mission went to relieve himself on the 7RCR wall, he saw the crook sneaking into the compound. Two sutli (tiny) bombs were exploded to warn him and when he didn’t withdraw, the sleuths swooped in U…

India – the world leader in gathering condolences

According to an external affairs ministry report, the nation is the recipient of the maximum number of condolence messages in the world.  A proud babu who disclosed this to the media on Friday evening and was involved in coaxing governments to issue condolence messages after 13-7 has already been promoted and will now be heading a ‘Condolence Cell(CC)’ within the external affairs ministry.

“Just look at the type of condolences we have received after 13-7. The quality of language used in these messages is simply brilliant and moving. Clinton, Obama, Camroon and so many others have send in their deep condolences and we have prepared a dossier to compile these. The world’s attention is truly on us and that is due to our incredible efforts," said the new CC head and babu Ghooskor Chaipani.

Humor Unplugged has learnt that the external affairs ministry got in touch with the embassies of 80 countries and got their respective governments to issue condolence messages within 145 minutes o…

Humor Unplugged’s political analyst angry with UPA cabinet reshuffle

It seems like the recent cabinet reshuffle at the Center has shuffled a few feathers outside the government. Humor Unplugged’s inhouse political analyst Boopendra Chowbey was among the first to indicate his anger and dissent at what he terms UPA’s arrogance and its consistent policy of taking the nation for granted.

Penning an editorial for a rival blog, Chowbey wrote “the reshuffle has generated extreme disappointment. The government has let the nation down on multiple fronts and if this is the last instalment of reshuffle that we will be witness to then, I have nothing but seething anger and frothing dissent for the UPA and its constituents. By letting old losers like Mukul Roy and Dawood’s agent Praful Patel stay, by increasing the average age of cabinet to 65 and by keeping seats aside for Veerappan’s DMK, this government has clearly indicated its desire to ignore national interests and pander to coalition politics. It’s wilful ignorance and deliberate connivance in promoting vaga…

Arnab Goswami admitted to hospital after scuffle with wife

The nation has been scam free for 3 days in a row and this has caused some unintended consequences..

Cops were called in to newsman Arnab ’22 questions’ Goswami’s residence after an instance of domestic violence was reported by his wife Pipi Goswami last night.

According to close friends, Arnab was very angry and stressed by the fact that he didn’t have any new scam to crow about for the last 3 days and the frustration seems to have got the better of him. It may be remembered that many citizens are perplexed and puzzled that no scam has been reported from any part of the country over the last few days. Things have gotten so worse that CNN-IBN editor Rajdeep Sardesai has been camping near the Comptroller and Auditor General Of India's (CAG) residence since the last two days with the hope of getting some information on a new scam.

“He came in last night and found Pipi watching a religious channel, lost his temper and started questioning her with 4 other imaginary guests. He then sa…

Images for the week gone by - from final shuttle ride to South Sudan


Who says Indian politicians are racist....??


H.D. Kumaraswamy begins indefinite fast, commodity prices tumble

Former Karnataka CM H.D. Kumaraswamy began a fast-unto-death today demanding a CBI probe to determine whether his family's Rs.1,500 crore assets were legally acquired or otherwise. As soon as the fast commenced, prices of essential commodities in the state witnessed a minor decline. The former CM is considered to be a top consumer of vegetables and other essential items in Karnataka.

“Yes. Onions, potatoes, beans…the prices of every vegetable is down since yesterday. A negative sentiment was prevailing in the local market as sellers felt that the demand will decline. I can tell you for sure that our worst fears have come true and the sales were indeed down in the first half of trade today. If he continues his fast and his  family doesn’t purchase essential items, you can see a further decline over the next few days,” a vegetable seller said.

Meanwhile state CM Yeddyurappa called an emergency meeting of the state cabinet to discuss ways to prolong Kumaraswamy’s fast. “People are a…

DMK issues ad for Maran's replacement in union cabinet


Exclusive: Pakistan Navy launches mission to recover Osama’s body

Almost a month after treasure hunter Bill Warren launched a search mission to recover Osama’s body hidden deep in the Arabian Sea, the Pakistan Navy too initiated its own project to locate the body of the late terrorist and Pakistan army’s guest of honor. Reports coming in from Islamabad suggest that the mission code named Umeed has already been launched with an initial corpus of nearly $ 50 million drawn from US aid received by Pakistan couple of months back.

When contacted, Pakistan Naval chief Admiral Noman Bashir said “yes, I can confirm these reports. We have been asked by the army to launch a search and recover mission some nautical miles south of Karachi port. The area has been studied extensively and we have drawn multiple contour maps along with bar charts. The mission is being carried out by a team of special forces who have extensive experience in running search operations underwater. Pakistan navy is proud to be part of this effort to recover an integral part of our histor…

Indian government hits right back at Google with its own survey

Within 24 hours of Google declaring India the third most snooping nation in the world, the union government hit right back at the Mountain View California based tech giant with its own report calling it ‘the most snoopy’ service provider.

Assisted by an army of bureaucrats, UPA’s man Friday Kapil Sibal wrote, edited and published a 1000 page document (in under 18 hours) that claims to asses web companies on ‘privacy related issues’. The document called ‘Global Online Privacy Report - 2011’, claims that on many occasions, Google was caught secretly snooping data on Indian citizens and storing it in its server farms across California.

The report claims that Google was also accessing the stored data at will and selling it to select advertisers for monetary consideration. “The fact that this report has been released today is just a coincidence. We were working on the project for almost 6 years now. These so called giants of the digital world must put their house in order before pointing …

Welcome to India's 'Jurasick Park'

Meet the worst monsters on the Indian political landscape...

Kalmado Dragon – is known to hunt across continents and bring prey back home. This animal can exist at different levels in the food chain and though considered a top predator, sometimes it connects with species at lower levels to hunt down bigger prey. This animal is thriving well in Tihar National Park and can be viewed between 9 am and 6 pm on weekdays.

Diggiraptor – kills victims by drowning them in large quantities of bullsh*t. Hunts in isolation and targets others species at random.

Rajasaurus twogis – known for its amazing ability to get its food channelled from different food chains in a stealthy manner without leaving any trail whatsoever. This animal is currently restricted to the Tihar national park.

Kannisaurus Kalignar – Found roaming in the plains of Chennai and adjoining areas, this one is a patient predator and sometimes waits for years to strike. This species hunts in isolation from its destined mate choosing t…

Discovery of distant quasar causes panic in UPA

An international team of astronomers recently announced the discovery of the most distant quasar ever seen. The quasar is supposedly an extremely bright source of light visible at infrared wavelengths, emitted as gas falls into a very massive black hole at its center. The scientists have christened it ULAS J1120+0641. This discovery caused some interesting reactions back home. Thinking that another scam had been unearthed by the media, politicians started trading charges and counter charges while accusing each other.

As soon as the discovery was announced, Congress spokesperson Manish Tewari went into denial mode while the union cabinet met for almost 2 hours to chart a strategy to handle the fallout.

“The government is investigating the episode and is committed to unearthing the truth. We are currently in the process of determining the ramifications of the allegations that have surfaced which we feel are completely baseless and politically motivated. You needn’t read much into this i…

Images for the week gone by - from boredom to sunshine