India's most wanted terrorists live longest

Want to live till apocalypse? Then have yourself declared as a most wanted terrorist in India. Some braindead publication which did a survey of most wanted terrorists across the world came up with figures that suggested that our most wanted terrorists live longer than any of their counterparts elsewhere.

Research lead Dr Hammershmidst says “If you are a most wanted terrorist in India, chances are that you will play with your greatgrand kids. Most of these terrorists are holed up in Pakistan which is sparing no expense to ensure that these guys are well looked after. Pakistan has taken a vow that it will harbour as many terrorists as it can and take good care of them. As a consequence, these terrorists will live for quite sometime unless they end up in the bad books of US. The funny part is not the guys who are abroad but the ones who are rotting in jails in India. Kasab will definitely die of old age, in the cell where he is kept”.

Among 73 countries surveyed, terrorists wanted in India lived up to an average of 80 years. Terrorists wanted by US had the shortest lifespan at 43 years. When asked to comment on the report, union home minister P Chidambaram said “I haven’t seen the content of the report. But if what you say is true, we need to invest more time and money in making our dossiers lengthier, making our protests more loud and dramatic and set up a committee to reform our national terrorism response apparatus”.

As soon as the key findings of the report were carried by various newspapers, the opposition came to life. “We want the government to come out with a whitepaper on the issue. How long will they stay silent like this? If the government doesn’t take any action to get our most wanted terrorists from Pakistan in the next 3 days, I will start dancing on parliament rooftop,” threatened Sushma Swaraj. Responding to her, Congress clown Digvijay Singh pulled out a blank a-4 sized bond sheet from a South block printer and handed it over to Swaraj. “You should have told me you need paper. I can give you more sheets if you want. But please don’t dance on the roof. Besides, the roof has been pretty weak since Bhappi Lahiri fell on it from a helicopter while performing a stunt for a TV commercial,” he said.

Rajya Sabha members enjoy a performance by
Sushma Swaraj outside parliament


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