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Showing posts from May, 2011

Hema Malini’s leopard's connection with Siachen talks

Confirming the worst fears of the intelligence establishment in India, it has emerged that the leopard that intruded into Hema Malini’s house last week was sent at the behest of Pakistani ISI agents to cause confusion in media circles in India. At a late night briefing at union home minister P Chidambaram’s residence, sleuths from the National Investigation Agency (NIA) laid bare a plan that was hatched in mid-Jan in Bawalpur in Pakistan to symbolically send a leopard to a celebrity’s house to draw attention away from the Siachen talks that happened on Monday.

Even as leads started trickling till late Saturday night, about Pakistani involvement in the episode, NIA sleuths maintained a stoic silence waiting for concrete evidence to emerge. The evidence did come in the form of two men who were arrested on Sunday in connection with the incident. The two told NIA that they were actually supposed to release the leopard at the residence of Shah Rukh Khan to create a stir in Bollywood. But t…

Ask Pin anything

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Humor Unplugged's very own agony panda Pin Ying answers questions posed by our friends.

Hi Pin Ying,
This is Anshul here from Indore. I have heard that some heroine is planning to get her accent patented.  There is also another lady who changes boyfriends each time she does a new movie and gets undivided attention from the media. What should I do to make myself famous? I mean I am tired of being a nobody. I also want to be written and spoken about. I don’t want to die without a mention in the papers and TV. Please tell me what to do.

Pin Ying to the rescue.

Dear Anshul.
First of all let’s get one thing clear. Life is not about being famous or having a set of people talking or writing about everything you do. Life is instead about enjoying everything you do and staying happy. You should learn to live life on your terms and make sure that you don’t hurt anyone intentionally in the process.

Now I have seen plenty of stars in my life. Many of them wanted to adopt me and take me home. …

Ukrainian lawmakers turn wrestlers...

This happens in parliaments across the world...this brawl is from Ukrainian parliament.

Pakistan to deploy indigenous drones to preserve Taliban assets

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Fulfilling an old promise made to Pakistani people, the Pak government has decided to halt the use of US drones to kill its own people. These drones will be replaced by indigenously manufactured Pak operated ones that are faulty, poorly designed and half as capable as their US counterparts.

A source in the Pakistani aeronautical establishment told Humor Unplugged about the usefulness of the Pakistani drones. “These drones are good. Most of them are actually big kites with scary faces painted on them to terrorize militants. We also have one big drone piloted and manned by a commissioned ISI monkey with a riffle. This drone has a webcam fitted on the lower half of the fuselage which can be used to view movement of targets and to order the monkey to fire at identified targets. The ones flown by US are toys when compared to our drones,” the source said.

Pakistan army, according to sources, has been under immense pressure following the US drone attacks on its territory. Not only was US fin…

Times of India to change spelling

The world’s most superstitious newspaper Times of India has added another feather to its hat. The publication has decided to change the way its name is spelt to bring better luck, fortune and readers.

“Yes, I can confirm this development. We have indeed decided to change the way our name is spelt and this is purely a move designed to attract more positive energy and good fortune. In the past we have changed  the way many celebrities spell their names thanks to our tie-up with a group of cons who keep fiddling around with the spellings of everything from names of movies to names of pets. So we were forced to think. If we can do it for others, why don’t we do it for ourselves? Especially since competition is giving us sleepless nights and our editorial standards have vanished,” said Indu Jain, ToI chairperson.        

Times of India will now be spelt as “Tyemess oef  Iendiieaa” The change will be effective June 01, 2011 and the Times group is planning to launch a massive campaign to pu…

Police release sketch of leopard that entered Hema Malini’s house

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Cops in Mumbai have released a sketch of the feline delinquent who intruded into the residence of bollywood actor and politician Hema Malini. Police officials claim that they have a few strong leads and are working to apprehend the leopard soon.

In New Delhi, union home minister P Chidambaram directed the National Investigation Agency to take over investigations from the local CID. “Such an intrusion could have wider implications for the security fabric of the nation and we need to investigate the case in depth and derive a comprehensive conclusion on why a breach of such proportions occurred in the first place,” Chidambaram said.

Government has revised Hema Malini’s security after the incident and indicated that a upgrade is possible. News anchor Arnab Goswami has already posted 20 questions for the leopard on the Times Now website and is planning to host a debate on his show Newshour on the issue. One interesting question that he has asked relates to the possibility of the leopard …

The feline Karunanidhi

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Ratan Tata attacks Osama, gets notice from Mukesh Ambani

2G scamster and slave driver Ratan Tata has said he is surprised why fellow crook Osama Bin Laden was put in the opulence of a billion-dollar Pakistani army mansion in Abbotabad.

"It makes me wonder why someone would do that," Tata said in an interview to Humor Unplugged. "The person who lives in there should be concerned about what he sees around him and (ask) can he make a difference," Tata said when asked about Aaina, the Pakistani army mansion where Osama lived and died. “Pakistan army should find ways to put ordinary citizens in mansions rather than putting up wanted terrorists and mischief mongers,” he said.

Coming to his favourite past time slave driving, Ratan Tata said “All Indian companies need to do more to extract more from their employees. We here make sure that our employees are pushed to the limit, forget their family lives and work on a 24X7 basis so that bosses like me can enjoy the fruits of their labour. India is the only nation where we don’t al…

Images for the week gone by - floppy pillows to summertime

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DMK to initiate Asian money laundering marathon

After successfully looting the nation of lakhs of crores of rupees, anti-national parasites constituting the DMK have decided to undertake a money laundering marathon in Asia. According to a senior party source (who made approximately 3500 crores in the 2G scam), DMK will join hands with like minded political parties across Asia to transfer billion of dollars to Cayman Islands in just 5 hours thereby setting a record of sorts.

“During the 2G scam, we could only transfer INR 3000 crore in 10 hours. At such slow transfer rates, we might be caught soon and the chances of leaving an electronic trail behind are very high. So we have joined hands with political parties from Thailand, Indonesia, Pakistan, Egypt, Syria, Iran and Oman to test transfer billions of dollars to a safe haven in just 300 minutes. The money trail will be initiated by our chief Karunanidhi in Chennai who will wire a few billion dollars to Bangkok. Our point of contact in the local party there will add another billion …

Lord Meghnad Desai may initiate legal proceedings against Lasith Malinga

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Prominent academician, politician and hair care guru Lord Meghnad Desai has sent a legal notice to Sri Lankan bowler Lasith Malinga alleging the latter has blatantly copied the hairstyle of the former. The notice sent on Friday alleges that the prominent Sri Lankan bowler has copied Lord Desai’s hairstyle without permission and states that strong legal action will be taken against Malinga unless he apologises or issues a due acknowledgement.

“Yes, it is true. We have sent Mr. Malinga a notice asking him to explain why legal action shouldn’t be initiated against him. You see, my client has spent years putting his finger in the socket and getting himself electrocuted to get this hairstyle and no one can just walk in and copy the one and only jazzy hair care expert without permission. Mr Malinga has plenty of explaining to do. I mean just because you treat your hair after putting your finger in socket doesn’t excuse you. Malinga has copied my client’s hairstyle and applied varnish on it…

Kayani goes on fast protesting US action against Osama

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Pakistan’s General-terrible Ashfaq Kayani has gone on an indefinite fast/strike to protest against what he called 'unwarranted US action' in Pakistani territory.  A report emerging from GHQ, Rawalpindi, has quoted a senior Pak General saying that the Pak army chief has decided to fast till US apologises for violating Pakistani sovereignty for the 15645th time this year.

It seems that General Kayani was quite miffed at the way US forces entered his country while the radars in the Western area were being ‘rested’. But more importantly, Kayani’s Karakoram-sized ego was hurt when Commander, International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) and Commander, U.S. Forces Afghanistan (USFOR-A) Gen David Howell Petraeus gave the General a dressing down in Kayani’s own cabin for the latter’s role in hiding Osama in an army compound. An angry was seen leaving his cabin in a huff and was not just angry, but in tears. More reports on Kayani’s fast are awaited and we were unable to reach our Isl…

Why the world didnt end on May 21...

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Search for extra-terrestrial hotties to commence soon

While the rest of the world is searching for intelligent life forms outside the solar system, the organizations behind Miss Universe, Mr World and Miss World competitions have joined hands to search for ‘well endowed’ life forms ‘out there’. A spokesperson for these bodies informed Humor Unplugged about the development through email on Friday.

“Yes, it is true the three international bodies have indeed decided to join hands to search for Miss\Mr World\universe type people outside our solar system. You see if you find intelligent people you always run the risk of being invaded by them. Whereas if you are a Miss\Mr (Universe\World) that might not necessarily be true,” the spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous said in his mail.

The two bodies will deploy giant antennae as part of the project called SETH or the Search for Extra Terrestrial Hotties. The antennae will broadcast pictures of former beauty queens and hunks with an encrypted message (in binary codes) stating “can you beat…

Osama's laptop at CIA HQ

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What is Dominique Strauss Kahn humming these days?

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Priyanka Chopra is dating a seal

Bollywood sources have told Humor Unplugged that actor Priyanka Chopra and her recent co-star, a seal are going around. We are not talking about a US navy seal here; instead we are referring to a fin-footed marine mammal that lives chiefly in cold seas and whose body shape, round at the middle and tapered at the ends, is adapted to swift and graceful swimming.

Now we all know that Priyanka has made a habit out of dating her co-stars. This serves two purposes – one it gives adequate fodder for pre-launch marketing (for the movie) and two, she gets to date a new star each time she does a movie. But this time she seems to have crossed all boundaries by dating a cute mammal.

The seal in question is Chu Turoc who is acting alongside Priyanka Chopra in a kid’s movie. In the movie, Chu is separated from his family and washed ashore on a Kerala beach during a tsunami. Priyanka essays the role of a retired superheroine who has lost interest in 'saving the world'. She rescues the seal …

Mallika Sherawat is the new Right to Information brand ambassador

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The Indian government, in a landmark move, has decided to appoint acclaimed actor and transparency activist Mallika Sherawat as its new Right to Information (RTI) brand ambassador. A New Delhi dated-lined press release issued jointly by the home and law ministries says that Mallika Sherawat has agreed to a request by the Indian government and will don the mantle as soon as she finishes her current flashing assignment at the Cannes film festival.

Home ministry sources have refused to comment on the development citing a gag order issued by home minister P Chidambaram. Law ministry sources were more forthcoming and we managed to get a pan chewing babu to comment on the move. “Yes, it is true. Haven’t you read the press release? We have followed a diligent process to identify a brand ambassador for RTI and after scanning almost 200 profiles, we zeroed in on Mallika. She is just perfect for the assignment. She has stood for transparency in Bollywood since time immemorial. I mean look at th…

A Raja-Kanimozhi romance to come alive on the big screen

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B-grade film maker Ekta Kapoor has decided to make a movie on the love affair between 2G cousins A Raja and Kanimozhi. Ekta has secured the rights for the love affair from DMK patriarch and god father M K Karunanidhi for an undisclosed sum.

In a chat with Humor Unplugged over Skype, Ekta Kapoor said “this movie will fall in the horror genre and will also depict the delicate romance between the two characters who looted the nation and will be behind bars soon. The horror angle will be amount of money these two have swindled while the romance will be running faintly in the background just like Google update. There will be some tears and sorrow also for the audience as usual”.

Coming soon: Yeddi and Buddy
The on-off war between Karnataka Corrupt Minister B S Yedurappa and Congress Governor Kans Raj Bhardwaj will soon be animated on the lines of Tom and Jerry. A Mumbai-based animation company has decided to animate the war and bring out a toon version by the end of August.  

B S Yedurappa…

Panda rejects Angelina Jolie’s adoption bid

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Angelina Jolie’s attempt to adopt a panda from a Chinese zoo failed miserably with the animal firmly rejecting the offer. Beijing zoo sources while confirming the development, told Humor Unplugged that the Tomb Raider actress had indeed made a lucrative and irresistible offer to the panda, but the latter issued a firm nay and even rebuked the actress.  

“Angelina came to us a week back and said she wanted to adopt a panda. We didn’t have any problems as it would have been one less mouth to feed. When we approached the panda Pin Ying and asked him if he wanted to be adopted, Pin hid in a corner and refused to come out till he was shown a copy of the Adoption Agreement, Custodial Adoption Agreement and a statement of intend from Angelina. When Pin was shown the documents, he highlighted points 7 (a) and 14 (c) of Adoption Agreement which stated that Pin will have to compulsorily breed with a mate chosen by Angelina within a year and father a cute lill baby panda. Pin didn’t want to be …

Images for the week gone by - Exit commies and Karunanidhi

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Aishwarya Rai and Banyan tree head for splitsville

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It is a season of parting in Bollywood. First it was the widely reported Bipasha Basu-John Abraham split and now it is the Aishwarya Rai-Ficus split that is causing actors to revisit their relationships. Heres the full story.

Former miss world and actor Aishwarya Rai Ficus Bachchan and her first husband, a Varanasi-based Banyan tree have decided to call it quits after nearly 3 years of matrimonial harmony. The two have cited irreconcilable differences and career as reasons for separation. The split will be formalized as soon as Aishwarya’s lawyer returns from US after suing some folks there to give his client more visibility in the local media.    

The story so far
Aishwarya Rai and the banyan tree (Ficus Bengalensis) got married before the Pink Panther beauty got hitched to Bachchan junior. At that time, many family members had openly questioned Aishwarya’s second marriage as she was already married to Ficus. The widely held belief is that Aish's marriage to Ficus was one of con…

The good ol' Geronimo yell has changed....

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Pakistan and China to ink Free Terror Agreement

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In a revolting development, world’s foremost terror sponsor Pakistan and her ‘brother’ China have decided to ink a Free Terror Agreement (FTA) to increase terror cooperation between the two Asian nations. The agreement, sources say, may be signed in July this year and as of now bureaucrats from both nations are busy drafting the guidelines.

China, it may be remembered is the only nation that is currently standing firmly by Pakistan, when it is being dragged over the coals by the international community for its role in fostering international terrorism. The FTA will enable terrorists (non state and state) from both nations to travel freely between the two nations, raise funds, open more terror training camps and indulge in activities designed to destabilise other nations.    

“As far as China goes, we will support Pakistani terrorists to the hilt as long as they strike against our enemy nations. We have in the past blocked UN resolutions that could have hurt Pakistan’s terror ambitions…

Osama cloud appears after his death

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Shahid Afridi expresses regret over Osama's killing

Pakistani cricket captain Shahid Afridi has expressed regret over Osama's 'untimely' death. Consoling Osama’s wife Pipi Bin Laden in Islamabad today, Afridi said “It is highly regrettable that such an esteemed guest of this nation has been killed in such a gruesome manner. I had taken on the world saying that Pakistan is one of the most hospitable places on this planet and we treat our guests like gods and here we are today, we couldn't even protect this great strategic asset.”

“He was just 55. He had so much to do. So many buildings to pull down, so many embassies to blow and so many wives to marry. He could have even joined politics and lead our great nation. In his death Pakistan has lost a blank cheque and I am not sure how Pakistani government will be able to fill our stomachs now. What will I tell the world…what will I tell my wife and most importantly what will I tell my mother in law,” he said breaking into tears. He was inconsolable for quite some time till Hu…

Pakistan searching for a new mansion for next Al Qaeeda chief

Pakistani army and its intelligence wing ISI have started scouting for possible locations for hiding the next Al Qaeeda chief and Osama Bin Laden’s successor. An internal note circulated by Pakistani army to its top brass in GHQ, Rawalpindi obtained by Humor Unplugged has confirmed this development.

“Osama’s death might burn a huge hole in our balance sheet and we need quickly figure out a plan to hide the next Al Qaeeda chief so that we can fool US to continue funding us. We need to find a convenient safe place for the next chief so that he can be kept comfortably and safely till he is useful to us,” the note said.

Meanwhile Al Qaeeda board members will be meeting this weekend in Peshawar to appoint Osama’s successor. Representatives from Pakistani army, ISI, Jaish, LeT, Al Qaeeda’s Chinese subsidiary Yoou Boom and Al Qaeeda’s international wing the dreaded Pink Fowl are likely to attend the meet. Ayman al-Zawahiri, a consensus candidate for the post has already landed in Islamabad t…

Funny lines from the world's terror capital after Osama's death

Funniest lines that have come in from Pakistan after their esteemed guest Osama Bin Laden was killed.   He was not anywhere we had anticipated he would be, but now he is gone – Zardari    Pakistanis think it was a breach of Pakistan sovereignty that they came here and committed all this... it hurts ordinary Pakistanis - 'Analyst' Talat Masood (Pakistani sovereignty is a poor joke) The fact that our intelligence did not find out, it was Americans who found him, is a reflection on the intelligence agencies and military in Pakistan - 'Analyst' Talat Masood  Osama bin Laden's death illustrates the resolve of the international community, including Pakistan, to fight and eliminate terrorism. It constitutes a major setback to terrorist organisations around the world - Pakistan Government (Pakistani resolve to fight terror?) They (Pakistani officials) are expressing as great a surprise as we had when we first learned about this compound, so there is no indication at this po…

Mullahs condemn Humor Unplugged, support Barkha

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A group of moth-eaten Precambrian mullahs operating under the aegis of Mullahs Association of Pakistan (MAP) has attacked India’s favorite blog Humor Unplugged for allegedly making uncharitable remarksagainst journalist Barkha Dutt. MAP has also asked Humor Unplugged to issue an unconditional apology to the queen of Indian mediadom at the earliest. “We are urging Humor Unplugged to desist from making any further remarks on the blessed pen-wielding warrior Barkha Dutt. This will be our final warning, before we issue a comprehensive hard copy fatwa against these rat-tongued bloggers. Noone should take our patience for granted,” MAP spokesperson Mullah Gomar said. Humor Unplugged has been informed by sources that MAP has opened communication channels with the Pakistani government to urge them to allow Barkha to travel to Pakistan to cover the post-Bin Laden scene there (since Indian journos are banned from traveling to Pakistan). MAP members recently sat on a dawn-to-dusk protest outside …

Images for the week gone by - Royal wedding blues

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Humor Unplugged launches customized mugs...

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India's favorite blog has launched collectors edition coffee mugs.  Just to show how serious we are about humor. Click here to join our community on Facebook.

Skype weekend: Niira Radia

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Kenya-born and London-educated corporate lobbyist Niira Radia heads Vaishnavi Corporate Communications, a firm mired in the 2G spectrum auction controversy. In this exclusive Skype interview with Humor Unplugged’s Rajcreep Sofefakeeye, Niira tells us how the system in this country is designed for exploitation by people like her and A Raja.

RS: Your personify all that’s wrong with the Indian democracy. A corporate power broker who connects the scum of governance with the rotting muck floating around in the corporate sector to facilitate fraud, cheating and criminal conspiracy.
Niira: Thanks, I am indeed flattered. But it’s not as rosy as the picture you have just painted using your limited vocabulary. There is lot of red tape at the national level and you need people to smoothen it all for you. Corporate entities are just like the aam aadmi who pays for everything from a driver’s license to water connection.  And we are the brokers in between who ensure that the whole process goes on smo…