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Showing posts from September, 2010

Citizens response to the Ayodhya verdict

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Pre-historic Kalmadi nearly stymied pyramid construction eons ago

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Noted Egyptologist Dr Hammerschmidst has claimed that a pre-historic equivalent of the Commonwealth Organizing Committee chief Suresh Kalmadi had managed to stall the construction of pyramids in 2750 BC. This startling claim was made in a book written by him called ‘Dummy mummies’ launched at a well-attended function in New York last week.

The book lists out a series of incidents that happened when the Egyptians were constructing the first set of pyramids. Amranakhalmadee, the corrupt Senior Supervisor of the pyramid project spent money by the donkey loads and missed many deadlines before his luck finally ran out. “The domestic media of those days, represented by heavy limestone tablets came down heavily on Amranakhalmadee following which he lost the blessings of the royal family, soon enough. That is before he met with a gory end,” Hammerschmidst said.

According to Hammerschmidst, Amranakhalmadee swindled money, cut corners by using sub standard construction material and extended pro…

Resolving the Kashmir issue

Enough has been said and written about the Kashmir issue. While everyone talks about the problem, no one speaks about the resolution. The Indian government recently announced a 8-point plan to bring peace back in J&K. Humor Unplugged, your favorite blog has also come up with its own 8-point agenda to solve the issue once and for all. Here is our agenda:

• Reclaim Pakistan Occupied Kashmir and merge with rest of J&K (this itself will solve the vexed issue)
• Abolish Article 370
• Settle people from other parts of India in the state especially in the valley. Allow every Indian to own property and assets in J&K
• Develop infrastructure and have more rail, road and air connections with the mainland
• Talk about freedom for Sind and Baluchistan every time Pak raises the Kashmir bogey
• Deport Syed Shah Geelani to his homeland in Pakistan
• Banish the Abdullah family from J&K, no member of this family should be able to contest elections in the future
• Increase tourist acti…

Suresh Kalmadi of the animal world

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A rare pic of the recently discovered animal called Otteris Kalmadis or the Commonwealth otter named after the CWG-OC chief

Hafiz Saeed is headed to UN as Pakistan's representative

Pakistan’s son of soil, Jamat-ul-Dawa chief and true blue Pakistani terrorist Hafiz Saeed will be heading the country’s delegation to the United Nations General Assembly to be held in New York. According to an Islamabad datelined press release issued by the country’s foreign affairs ministry, the delegation will head to the Big Apple in a few days. It however remains to be seen how the US will welcome a certified terrorist on its soil.

Humor Unplugged has learnt that Pakistan is taking the matter very seriously and pushing US to grant Saeed a visa at the earliest. US, sources say has been dragging its feet on the issue and has repeatedly asked Pakistan to provide a 'believable business justification' for hosting th e26-11 terrorist.

“Hafiz has done Pakistan proud on many occasions. He is exactly what Pakistan stands for today – a persistent irritant in a nation driven by hate, jealousy and ego. By orchestrating terror attacks directed against India and effectively hiding the P…

Stray Dog body threatens to sue Commonwealth Games Federation

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The National Association of Stray Sociable Canines and Mongrels (NASSCAM) has threatened to file a lawsuit against the Commonwealth Games Federation (CGF) for the latter’s recent remark on stray dogs 'jumping' on beds meant for athletes at the games village in New Delhi. CGF has been given time till Thursday evening to revert with an unconditional apology, failing which NASSCAM will go ahead and file a defamation suit.

“This is ridiculous. We have some sense of pride unlike these two penny politicians who head the Commonwealth Games-Organizing Committee (CWG-OC) and will never indulge in such wanton display of unbridled preposterous behavior. We have our own priorities and jumping in beds made for athletes is not one of them. Such allegations are unfounded and uncalled for especially in the context of the Commonwealth Games where there are bigger ghosts to hunt,” said Fakenaka Gandhi, National Chairperson, NASSCAM. Fakenaka alleged that the CGF was trying to pin the blame for …

Breakthrough in Kashmir crises: Stone throwing gene identified

A team of geneticists in Bangalore have achieved a remarkable breakthrough. They have managed to identify the gene that turns people into vicious stone throwers.  The discovery, with widespread ramifications for the security forces in Kashmir and elsewhere, was announced at a crowded press conference in Bangalore today.

Disclosing the find, team lead Dr Hammerschmidst said “we have been working on this for the past 8 years and yesterday night we were finally able to pin point the gene. The identity has been confirmed and we have shared the info with the home ministry. We are now working on a drug that can suppress this gene and prevent it from expressing itself in people. This will help the security forces in disturbed areas from being held hostage by mobs armed with stones and other projectiles”.

Hammerschmidst and his team have been doing several non-lethal and harmless tests on mice caught from a minister’s house in New Delhi for several years now. After several rounds, Hammerschmi…

Images from the week gone by...tribute to the Pakistani cricket team

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Gen next: Pappu Abdullah joins Kashmir politics

After Sheikh, Farooq and Omar failed, the Abdullah family has fielded its latest member -- Omar Abdullah’s 11 year old son Pappu Abdullah. Pappu will be heading the State Advisory Council, a quasi-government body that advises the state government on key issues like administration, finance, economy and development. The body is currently headed by Farooq Abdullah, who will be resigning on Friday to make way for the family scion.

Pappu Abdullah is no stranger to politics. Known among his classmates as Pappu mobile, he always used to threaten to leave school at the drop of a hat. He has changed schools extensively (thats why the nick name) and is also known for lashing out at his father’s critics using colorful language. “After Omar started fumbling, the time had come to induct fresh blood. Since Abdullah family firmly believes in dynastic politics, they decided to induct Pappu who has just finished ten years on planet earth,” a source close to the family told Humor Unplugged.

Pappu Abdul…

Excuses for Omar Abdullah to quit

Jammu and Kashmir CM Omar Abdullah is easily one of the worst CMs in India at present. We are talking about a guy who walks with his resignation letter in his pocket. Right now the dude is threatening to resign over lifting of AFSPA in J&K. Humor Unplugged supports this desire of Omar and we feel he should indeed be thrown out of office. The Indian government must not just remove him from office but also ensure that the Abdullah family is banished to Qatar at the earliest, lock stock and barrel. While that happens, Humor Unplugged suggests a few more flimsy reasons which could make Omar quit.

Omar threatens to resign because…
• The invisible mode on his gtalk is not working
• No one commented on his last tweet
• Someone threw a Nike at him; our dude prefers Reebok
• No one opened a fan page for him on Facebook
• His hair rejuvenation cream is not working
• He couldn’t go and play golf in UK during the crises like his father (His father was playing golf there while the Indian army …

Jamat ul Dawa issues warning to Suresh Kalmadi

Pakistan-backed and funded terror organization Jamat-ul-Dawa has threatened to ignore the upcoming Common Wealth Games, if the infrastructure is not up to the mark and does not meet the games deadline. The threat was issued during a massive rally organized by the group in Islamabad on Friday.

“We have had enough. If the stadiums and supporting infrastructure is not ready by the next two weeks, we will boycot the games and our men will not participate in any terror attacks directed towards the same,” Jamat-ul-Dawa spokesperson said.

Sources close to JuD say that a recee team sent by the world’s second most famous terror agency to the games venues returned with dissapointing reports on poor infrastcuture coupled with offical apathy and corruption. Apparently, JuD chief Hafiz Saeed blew his famous shoe lace wig sky high when he heard about the pathetic state of the games’ infrastructure. Saeed has asked his men to ignore the Common Wealth Games, unless there is a ‘drastic improvement’ in…

Images for the week gone by..top gear to owl play

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Hafiz Saeed is now a honorary Colonel in the Pakistan army

Pakistan army has decided to honor Jama'at-ud-Da'wah chief and sub continent’s most wanted terrorist Hafiz Saeed. He was made a Honorary Col with special privileges by Pakistani Army at a special ceremony organized at GHQ in Rawalpindi last week.

“Yes, Hafiz is now a Col in the Pakistani army. He has been given this honor for behaving like a perfect non state actor in Pakistan’s proxy war against India. He has turned into a weapon of choice for our army that is hesitant and reluctant to take on India directly due to obvious reasons,” said Pakistan army spokesperson Mullah Machar at a briefing in Islamabad.

Speaking at the ceremony, Pakistan’s army chief Gen Pervez Kayani said “Pakistani army has a rich tradition. We have been beaten convincingly on more occasions than any other army in the world. We are also among the few armies in the world that is afraid of conventional warfare and believes in hiding behind clandestinely acquired nuclear weapons. Inspite of all this, Pakist…

Cash for drama rocks parliament – Maxim copies discovered in Lok Sabha

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The cash for drama scandal rocked parliament today. Utter confusion and chaos prevailed as Opposition and government accused each other of bringing disrepute to the august house. 

Quoting the Humor Unplugged expose, CPM member Buddadebt Dutta said “this report published by Humor Unplugged has indeed pained us. The country views members of parliament as honest and upright people who could never even come within sniffing distance of an evil deed. We have a huge role to play in inspiring the country to always thread the path of righteousness”. No sooner had he said this, members of the opposition rushed to the well of the house and started thrashing the speaker. Apparently, some members had alleged that the speaker was the kingpin of the scam. The 76-year old speaker, one of the youngest members of parliament, had to be rushed to AIIMS after suffering multiple injuries due to the mindless thrashing.

Another member this time from the Bogus Samaj Party (BSP) urged fellow members to follo…

Now thats a pleasant thought

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Saving Blackberry: Research In Motion to conduct homa to ward off ‘evil eye'

After repeated setbacks in India, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Indonesia, Research in Motion (RIM), the company behind the Blackberry brand has decided to conduct a huge Yagna (ritual) to ward off evil eye allegedly cast by competitors such as Google and Skype. Company sources have told Humor Unplugged that the move has been widely welcomed and will be implemented at the earliest to ensure that the company fights off all business obstacles with ease.  

Confirming the move, RIM’s Chief Superstitious Officer (CSO) Michael White says “yes, we are going in for a grand ritual as we have a confirmed case of evil eye. Our competitors have cast an evil eye on us since they are unable to catch up with us and are losing the race for the numbers. This will help us fight motion sickness (chuckles). I am afraid I won’t be able to share more information on this as of now”

RIM has assembled an envious ensemble of religious experts from across the nation for the ritual to be conducted in mid-September in N…

Parliament gate: Spurt in DD Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha viewership

Humor Unplugged has learnt that the viewership of Doordarshan’s twin channels on Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha has risen steadily over the last few months, prompting government to launch a comprehensive inquiry. The inquiry team has concluded that the rising viewership was owing to suspicious elements viewing parliamentary proceedings from locations such as Dubai. The team had placed on record its concern over the rising viewership attributable to segments not directly or indirectly connected to the Indian parliament. 

Humor Unplugged had earlier in the day exposed the story of Indian parliamentarians accepting money from bookies to ‘fix’ parliamentary sessions. It seems that bookies are increasingly viewing the live parliamentary sessions shown on the twin DD channels to confirm that the proceeding were going as per their original plan. This means that these channels were turning into pawns in the hands of bookies and twisted members of parliament, who were taking the nation for a costl…

Shocking expose: After spot and match fixing, it is session fixing – that too inside parliament

Sustained investigations by Humor Unplugged have revealed that the scourge of ‘fixing’ has reached the sanctum sanatorium of Indian democracy - the national parliament. Our probe has found that the nation’s parliamentarians were indulging in session rigging at the behest of bookies. 

The shocking truth is that Indian MPs are taking money to create drama in parliament. Bookies, who have such MPs on their rolls, are able to predict the behavior of a set of MPs on the floor of the house. MPs are paid to create disruptions, tear papers, scream, shout howl or indulge in ‘unparliamentary’ behavior with prior notification to bookies. The bookie then goes ahead and enters into a deal with the real fixers based on the information shared by the purchased MPs. The MPs are paid when they appear at state and national events, funerals etc where the agents of bookies exchange khadi jackets to transfer money.

Humor Unplugged has learnt that some of the MPs are even paid to keep quiet. “It is based …