Shoe forecast for the coming week

Shoe forecast for the coming week
by Deadpan Hoochwala

Aries: Overall a good week. Shoes will miss you by a wide margin. Try to maintain a low profile and skirt controversy.

Taurus: Do not step out of the house as you are destined to be hit this week.

Gemini: Shoes will fly from a North West direction. Avoid making speeches facing North-North West. Double check your volleyball net and keep an eye out for projectiles of all sizes and shapes. For protection, feed a white crow three times a day and avoid the next three issues of Swimsuit Illustrated.

Cancer: an old affair will come back to haunt you. Chances are that an old enemy will fling a slipper; the slipper in question will be a heavy one and this encounter could land you in hospital. Do not listen to psephologists under any circumstances.

Leo: The danger is from the mediafolks. Avoid giving interviews this week and appearance in all forms of media must be avoided. There is a possibility of a media guy flinging a slipper dipped in cow dung. Watch reruns of friends season 1 for more luck.

Virgo: You will be attacked in a meeting hall or a multiplex. A shoe will be flung at you in darkness but will not miss target. Keep a syringe full of botox for warding away evil eye.

Libra: Wear a Himesh Reshamiya CD to keep shoes away. The thrower will be disoriented when he sees HRs CD and will not be able to focus on the target. Do not let anyone borrow your pyjamas this week.

Scorpio: A person you have recently added on your facebook profile will throw a virtual slipper at you, followed by the real one. Avoid adding new people on facebook. Deactivate your facebook account and keep a papaya (dipped in ketchup) on your laptop for good luck.

Sagittarius: Jupiter’s transition to mercury will make you vulnerable. However, Jupiters moon Europa along with an asteroid from the solar asteroid belt will protect you. Pray thrice a day and treat a stray mongrel at a near by Mc Dee to ensure continual protection.

Capricorn: Avoid Russian volleyball nets for protection as they may fail at a crucial moment. Don’t come online on chat unless absolutely necessary and change your profile pic. Avoid everything that can be avoided.

Aquarius: Traveling in open top SUVs is not recommended. Visit the fake ipl player’s blog atleast once this week to keep bad luck at bay.

Pisces: ogling at a pretty face will attract a shoe. Always travel with a copy of the book “The audacity of Nope” by Mayawati. If you have a kingfisher calendar lying around, gift it to the needy to bring goodwill.

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