The suicide bomber interview - part one

Kamran Al Jabeel is a Lahore based ‘professional suicide bomber’. He is a member of a breed that is quite visible in his country. Our correspondent still in Pakistan quizzed him about his life and times…heres the exclusive.

BD: Who exactly is a professional suicide bomber?
KJ: we are trained and certified guys, unlike others who simply tie a bomb around their waist and blow themselves up near their targets. We are professionals; in fact I have been certified by Jammat Ul Tehrik, which is the number one body for certifying suicide bombers in Pakistan. JuT is affiliated to Al Qaeeda and recognized by Pakistani government.

BD: So what is it like being a suicide bomber? I mean what drives you?
KJ: Its great. You get so much respect from the Pakistani society. My parents and relatives are very proud of me. I get so many proposals from parents of prospective brides…

BD: Wait a second…people want to marry their daughters to you? Why?
KJ: These are parents whose daughters are in the same line of duty. Their daughters are female suicide bombers. You see we also have a very active band of women fidayeens. In fact my first girlfriend was also a fidayeen; we were batchmates and I had a crush on her from day one.

BD: So were you guys in love?
KJ: I proposed to her on a valentine’s day. I gift wrapped a grenade in a bullet proof vest and told her that I would die for her any day….

BD: And then?
KJ: Well she was a bit skeptical. She said I would die anyway so she wanted to know what more could I do. So I cooly climbed a nearby tree, plucked a mango and gave it to her. She was swept off her feet. We were a couple for nearly two years. Then in the final year, she was recruited by an offshoot of Al Badr and sent onsite (on a mission) immediately.

BD: Where is she now?
KJ: Up there (pointing to the sky). She blew herself up in Rawalpindi near a Pak army convoy. She left me in pieces, completely heartbroken and aimless and it took a while for me to come out of it. I am very proud of her none the less.

BD: Do you have any hobbies?

KJ: I am a part time poet. My last book of poems titled ‘Qudrat-e-RDX’ was published by the literary wing of Al Qaeeda recently. This book has been recommended as a must read by the Association of Professional Jehadis.

BD: What do you have to say about those suicide bombers, who have put themselves up for sale?

KJ: yeah I read the story sometime back. This is a really shocking development. I mean imagine blowing yourself up to take revenge on someone who stole your pyjammas? The code of conduct for suicide bombers says that we only blow ourselves for big causes. I would rather throw shoes than blow myself up, if the cause is a small one.

BD: Has the recession affected you in anyway?

KJ: Some months ago I used to get 5-6 offer letters. Today I have none. I have posted my resume on some of the fidayeen recruitment sites, but nothing seems to be happening. People are telling me that they are finding it difficult to procure RDX. I wish the whole thing goes away soon and we get back to business…I can’t wait to join my girlfriend up there…am sure she is waiting for me.

- Bhakra Dutt -


Apple said…
It if Funny..Reallyy...

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