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Showing posts from December, 2008

We wont act until another 9-11: Condi Rice

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in conversation with Arnab Ghost Sawme.


AG: Its now a month since 26-11 and Pakistan has still not delivered anything. Are you actually doing something to pressurize them or is everything eyewash?

CR: We are aware of that. We had tried to bring Pak under pressure by stopping some shipments containing Pokimon langots; but alas, Pakistan is not responding.

AG: Please don’t give us this bull*&^%. So far US has played a wonderful role by indulging in half-hearted diplomacy. What are you guys waiting for another 9-11?

CR: That’s quite true. You see until something drastic happens to US interests, why should we act? If 26-11 had happened in US, we would have blown Afghanistan away and invaded Iran even though both these nations don’t have much to do with international terrorism.

AG: Every, every single instance of international terrorism has its roots in Pakistan. Taliban has its ideological base there. Pakistan is churning terrorists by the millions …

We will be thrashed: Pakistani army chief

Ash-fake Kia-nahi, is the chief of army staff of Pakistani army. The man was in the news recently for making unwarranted and belligerent comments on war with India. Our correspondent Rajcreep caught up with the man in Rawalpindi. Heres the interview…

RS: We will respond in two minutes…what’s the meaning of this statement?

AK: we will be manning our posts for two whole minutes and after that it’s gonna be everyman for himself.

RS: You mean…?

AK: Yes, we will fire everything we have for two minutes and then retreat. The top brass of our forces will be airlifted to safety and we will decide on the future course of action then. Whoever wants to stay back and fight will be allowed to do so; others will have to find the putli gulley themselves.

RS: So you wont be staying back to lead your men, right?

AK: Yes, what do you think this is, some kind of a video game? The Indian army has kicked us in the rear three times before and they are going to do it again this time. I don’t want to stay back and …

Pak angry with kashmiri millitants

An angry Pakistan has recalled its two penny separatists operating in Kashmir valley. This anger comes in wake of the successful completion of local elections in J&K – something that Pakistan never wanted.

“We have been feeding and clothing these parasites for years and look what they have given us in return. They had clear instructions to disturb the polls, threaten Indian citizens and hold massive demonstrations to weaken the resolve of the local populace. They have not succeeded in anything and the ISI chief is fuming,” said Pakistan’s minister for Kashmiri interference.

The recently concluded polls in Jammu and Kashmir witnessed record turnouts, spoiling the crooked plans of Pakistan-backed rats. A disappointed Pakistan is now venting its fury on the separatists, who are on the rolls of ISI and Pakistani army. Pakistan has asked all separatists to report to the ISI’s Kashmir cell in Lahore for further instructions. “It is quite apparent that many heads will roll and many changes…

The suicide bomber interview - part one

Kamran Al Jabeel is a Lahore based ‘professional suicide bomber’. He is a member of a breed that is quite visible in his country. Our correspondent still in Pakistan quizzed him about his life and times…heres the exclusive.

BD: Who exactly is a professional suicide bomber?
KJ: we are trained and certified guys, unlike others who simply tie a bomb around their waist and blow themselves up near their targets. We are professionals; in fact I have been certified by Jammat Ul Tehrik, which is the number one body for certifying suicide bombers in Pakistan. JuT is affiliated to Al Qaeeda and recognized by Pakistani government.

BD: So what is it like being a suicide bomber? I mean what drives you?
KJ: Its great. You get so much respect from the Pakistani society. My parents and relatives are very proud of me. I get so many proposals from parents of prospective brides…

BD: Wait a second…people want to marry their daughters to you? Why?
KJ: These are parents whose daughters are in the same line of d…

Indian shoe breached our airspace: Pakistan

Pakistan has lodged a strong protest with the Indian high commission in Islamabad over an alleged breach of its airspace by a shoe from India. Pakistani newspaper Daily Junk quoting Pakistani airforce sources reported that the shoe appeared on radar positioned near the Wagah border for a brief moment and then ‘vanished into the darkness’. Pakistan’s famed 10th airborne division consisting of three paper planes was immediately scrambled to intercept the shoe and neutralize the threat, but returned empty handed as the shoe had managed to miraculously disappear, the paper alleged in an Islamabad datelined story. Pakistan's kitchen cabinet had an emergency meeting to discuss the intrusion and dispersed after the usual round of snacks and tea.

Speaking to press after the incident, Pakistan’s over imaginative PM Gillani said that this was ‘another act of Indian belligerence’ designed to destabilize the region. He added that Pakistan will not be cowed down by such incidents and will wait …

Shoe terrorists...

Frontline Pakistani terrorist organization ISI has decided to raise a shoe throwing wing. This decision, coming in the wake of an unsuccessful attempt by an Iraqi journalist to 'shoe' the US president, will open up a new frontier for the global terror machine.

ISI has set the ball rolling and zeroed in on a few locations for setting up training camps for these ‘Jutadis’ (subject to approval from the ISI branding team). These camps will train Jutadis to effectively throw shoes and escape without being caught. They will also be taught to collect these shoes and return, so that they can be sold at a premium later. The proceeds from the sale will be invested in expanding the existing terror infrastructure in Pakistan and churning out more terrorists to cause destruction and havoc in countries around the world.

“There is tremendous potential here. We want to be the first mover in this space and exploit all possibilities. We could never have gained so much mileage with the kind of wor…

Pakistani air force on high alert

After reports of air space violation began trickling in, Pakistan has put its air force on high alert. Paki air force consisting of 13 hand gliders, 10 gliders, 23 hot air balloons, 6 advanced helium balloons, 12 pigeons, 2 sparrows and 32 kites has been asked to maintain a state of high alert.

Additionally, Pakistani radar system consisting of three FM radio handsets and two scarecrows has also been made functional on a 24\7 basis and Pakistani air force personal on leave have been asked to report to their air bases at the earliest. Pakistan's paranoid PM has asked his nation to stay calm while he and entire political apparatus of the nation is booking tickets on the latest Saudi flight to Jeddah. "We will fight them with everything we have. We are flying to Saudi just to ensure that the ordinary Pakistani citizens are safe and sound," Pakistani PM Gillani said in an emergency broadcast on PTV. He claimed that his nation was prepared for a war and that they will not giv…

ISI is holding a beauty pageant :)

The cash strapped ISI has decided to host a Miss Terror contest to rake in the big bucks. This was stated in a release datelined Islamabad issued by the agency late Saturday night. “ISI will organize a Miss Terror contest in the coming months to collect money for our social activities,” the release said.

According to ISI Chief Sujha Pasha, the agency had in the last few years reduced its budget for noble activities. “Due to certain exigencies, we have been unable to look after the families of the terrorists dispatched to over 80 nations around the world by ISI. This has really started pricking our invisible conscience and we do feel kind of guilty,” he said.

According to Head Operations (ISI), the contest will be divided into various rounds where Pakistani beauties will be pitted against each other. Each round will be named after a terror group sponsored by the Al Qaeeda franchise such as Lashkar, Harkat-ul-Mujahideen, Al Badr, etc. The judges will be conservative leaf-eating, donkey…

Pakistan deserves an Oscar...

Two weeks after its role in the Mumbai carnage was published, Pakistan continues to be in denial. Our correspondent Rajcreep Sorfakeeye currently in Pakistan met its PM Yousef Raza Gillani and quizzed him on the way ahead for the tarnished nation. Here is the exclusive interview…

RS: You have started acting against the perpetrators of the Mumbai attacks. Isn’t it too little too late?

G: We have been acting for quite a while. In fact we have been acting so well that everyone was convinced till the Mumbai attacks that we were doing something against these terrorists. No one seems to be appreciating our acting prowess now and we have fallen out of favor. Given a chance, Pakistan can beat bollywood with our hands tied as far as acting is concerned. We have so many types of actors…state ones, non state ones, transient ones..

RS: Will you ever be serious? What action have you taken against these ‘non state’ actors that you keep referring to?

G: We have given them the ultimate punishment. We h…

It takes a massive terrorist strike...

For our politicians to speak in one voice…
For the world to remember that Pakistan is a terrorist state…
To force the UNSC to act against a terrorist entity…
For our leaders to connect with people’s sentiments…
For the parliament to have a meaningful discussion…
For Raj Thackrey and the likes to be silenced…
For progressive minded Indians to think of joining politics…
For politicians to acknowledge their failure in meeting the expectations of the ordinary citizen…
For us to remember that freedom does not come free…
For Indians to wake up and realize that what binds us is stronger than what keeps us apart…

How many more have to sacrifice their lives for us to act? How lazy are we if we cannot act to save our own nation? Any answers?

Jamaat-ul-Dawa to expand to China

Pakistan’s terror friendly buddy in arms China has cleared a proposal to let the banned terror organization Jamaat-ul-Dawa to operate from its soil. Xinhua quoting senior members of the communist party reported yesterday that Jamaat’s plans to invest $ 30 million in building terror infrastructure in China received the politbureau’s unanimous nod. The news agency also said that the entire top brass of PLA was keen on sheltering elements from the Al Qaeeda franchisee and has invited the LeT to pay a visit to China.

It may be recalled that China has a long standing history of cooperation with Jamaat. China had blocked UNSC’s attempts to get Jamaat banned on many occasions and the later had praised the commie nation’s respect for the terror outfits ideology. Jamaat’s first office, to open in Shangai, will train Chinese terrorists, its politicians and PLA members in proxy warfare tactics, opium trade, human trafficking and infiltration techniques.

“Like Pakistan, we are also in love with t…

ISI chief admits to role in Mumbai blasts

Ahmad Shuja Pasha, the clown in charge of Al Qaeeda’s Pakistan arm ISI, was in the news recently for ISIs role in the Mumbai terror attack. Our correspondent grilled the general and he started spilling the beans..heres is the exclusive…

RS: How long will you be in denial? The entire world knows that Pakistan has orchestrated Mumbai attacks.

SP: Wheres the evidence?

RS: Oh come on Gen, the evidence has been shown to the world. There is a live terrorist who is having vegetarian meal three times a day at the cost of Indian exchequer in addition to tons of other inanimate stuff and you want evidence?

SP: I have always wanted evidence. I remember three decades ago, when the doctor came running and claimed that I have become a father, I without even winking asked him…wheres the evidence? You see we need evidence for everything and without that we don’t do anything.

RS: India would have confronted you with this evidence had you gone to New Delhi, when the Indian PM ordered you to.

SP: I was a…

Terror forecasting

In a bid to shore up its intelligence capabilities and provide advance information to citizens on terror attacks, the Indian government has now made it mandatory to have a terror forecast alongside weather bulletins on all major news channels and papers.

Information on possible attacks will be offered separately by RAW and IB to their affiliated channels and newspapers. These forecasts will be drafted on the lines of the weather forecasts and will offer sketchy information on possible terror attacks to citizens.

A sample terror forecast:
Sunday’s terror threat over north interior Orissa underwent two rounds of weakening and is currently hovering as a conventional ‘low’ over east Madhya Pradesh and neighborhood on Monday.
Gunfire and bomb blasts are expected in parts of Konkan, Goa and madhya Maharashtra and Marathawada in the 24 hours ending Monday morning. The satellite picture taken yesterday shows heavy infiltration in parts of Jammu and Kashmir, Rajasthan and West Bengal. Fisherme…

Predict a terror attack, win a prize

A FMCG major has launched a new game show in which participants can dial in and predict a terror attack. If the attack does materialize, he or she will get a prize sponsored by the channel airing the show.

The unique concept was conceptualized by a group of citizens after the repeated failure of Indian government to prevent terror attacks on the nation’s soil. “We are fed up and want to convey a message to the Indian government. I would rather have a guy with high ESP tell me that there’s gonna be a event today, rather than rely on the government and be killed,” a member of the group said.

The contest is also open to the members of our so called intelligence wings. The group believes that the prize could inspire these sleuths to sharpen their intelligence gathering capabilities and deliver more accurate forecasts. Prizes will be given based on the accuracy of the information and this contest is not open to Pakistani and Bangladeshi nationals.

“I would like to make it very clear that this…