Financial slump hits terror industry

Pakistani frontline terrorist organization, ISI, has toned down its terror forecast for the coming quarter in view of the prevailing slump in global financial markets. This was announced by the new ISI chief Lt-Gen Ahmed Shuja Pasha at a press conference organized in Lahore today to declare ISI’s midterm results.

The results indicate a decline in the number of terror incidents backed by ISI around the world. The only highlight of an otherwise lackluster year was the bombing of Indian embassy in Kabul carried out by ISI backed elements some months back. The number of terror incidents has declined by more than 50 percent as compared to the same period last year, while the number of terrorists exported onsite has come down by as much as 45 percent according to official figures released by the Pakistani government.

“We have had a really dull year and the pipeline seems to be drying up. But we are optimistic that we will tap into new sources of funding to make up for the loss of revenue from the Pakistani government”, Pasha said. Pakistani government, it may be noted, is currently stretching the begging bowl in front of china. The government it seems has blown away the billions of dollars received from USA and is now completely dependent on china to shore up its BoP position and pay for crucial imports.

Cost centers like the Taliban and subsidiaries like SIMI and HUJI have significantly eaten into ISI’s budget and there seems to be an element of desperation among ISI ranks to firm up the assets of the organization before expanding into new geographies.

Meanwhile the Pasha also announced that ISI will be hiving off some of its investments in various front organizations and concentrating only on its core business. The premier terror organization will offload a part of its stake in Taliban and HUJI to interested parties. ISI has hired the services of bankrupt investment bank Lay-Man Brothers for this purpose. ISI has also decided to terminate the services of over 2500 militants operating in Kashmir in order to streamline operations and reduce overhead costs.

ISI will now be directly using the services of Pakistani army for carrying out its nefarious plans. This move has however not gone down well with the militants who are said to have approached Musharraf to do a Murli Deora on Pasha and take back the sacked staff. Some of the militants were apparently sacked when they were waiting near their targets to blow themselves up. “Minutes before I was about to blow up near a target I got an SMS asking me to come and collect my severance pay. How can they do this to me and what about my future,” asked a militant who didn’t want to be named.

“The costs of explosives, manpower, arms and logistics have more than tripled in the last year and our funding has remained static. If this continues, we may collapse and the results could be bad for Pakistan,” Pasha warned. The ISI head has already met the Pakistani PM twice over the last week to press for more funding. “We are seeking a direct bailout and unless the government pays heed, Pakistan’s key export commodity will no longer be terror,” Pasha added.

ISI, it may be remembered has multiple businesses throughout Pakistan. It has interests in marketing opium, pirated bollywood cds, Chinese arms, nuclear technology and fissile material and human trafficking. Worried about possible fallout on its economy, Pakistani has pressed into service its economic citizen and India’s most wanted criminal Dawood Ibrahim to revitalize ISI. Dawood has been inducted into the ISI board as an independent director with special powers and has been tasked with the mission of reviving the once powerful organization that has trained the likes of Mullah Omar, Ramzi Yousef, Omar Sharif, Khalid Sheikh and the perpetrators of 9/11 attacks in the US.

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