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Showing posts from October, 2008

Patil is the new brand ambassador

A prominent global non governmental body has chosen Indian politician and Home Minister Shivraj Patil as its hygiene ambassador for South Asia.

Patil was chosen after a rigorous selection process involving politicians from across the sub continent. The leaders were judged on parameters such as stress on personal hygiene, confidence and the ability to stay aloof. “We were impressed by the speed at which the minister washed his hands off every single incident of terror in the country. The moment a bomb went off, Mr Patil would take a bath, change into new clothes and mouth a few lines from his diary. Now it takes guts to do that and we acknowledge Mr. Patil’s concern for personal hygiene even under such trying circumstances,” a spokesperson for the organization said in New Delhi yesterday.

The organization also commended Patil on his efforts to wash his hands off any responsibility that came his way on the national security front. “Our respect for Mr Patil is growing by the day as we real…

Exclusive sneak peak: Osama’s memoirs

In what could be a move to reach out to the members of the Booker jury and test his literary skills, world’s most dreaded terrorist Osama Bin Laden has declared that he will be penning his memoirs.

The announcement was made by his newly appointed spokesman Comical Ali. Many may remember Comical Ali as the hyperbolic media manager of Saddam Husssein, who used to hold elaborate sessions for the media wherein he would describe the “glorious successes of the Republican Guards” even as the coalition forces were at the Baghdad airport. Osama has managed to pull Comical from retirement for reasons best known to him.

“Osama, praise his noble existence along with 300 donkeys, has decided to speak the words of the ordained one. He will now show his opponents, who are not worth an old shoe, their respective places,” Comical thundered at the press conference in Peshawar. Coming down heavily on Bush, who had made his boss hide in the mountains, Comical said “this seed of the devil Bush will suf…

Financial slump hits terror industry

Pakistani frontline terrorist organization, ISI, has toned down its terror forecast for the coming quarter in view of the prevailing slump in global financial markets. This was announced by the new ISI chief Lt-Gen Ahmed Shuja Pasha at a press conference organized in Lahore today to declare ISI’s midterm results.

The results indicate a decline in the number of terror incidents backed by ISI around the world. The only highlight of an otherwise lackluster year was the bombing of Indian embassy in Kabul carried out by ISI backed elements some months back. The number of terror incidents has declined by more than 50 percent as compared to the same period last year, while the number of terrorists exported onsite has come down by as much as 45 percent according to official figures released by the Pakistani government.

“We have had a really dull year and the pipeline seems to be drying up. But we are optimistic that we will tap into new sources of funding to make up for the loss of revenue fr…

Increasing attendance in parliament

Here’s how we can get out elected reps to attend parliament.

Instead of discussing issues of national interest, let the honorable members indulge in pure gossip. The personal life of the member who is absent will be debated in his absence in front of a live audience.

Put a wide screen television in both the houses that will allow members to watch movies and cricket matches whenever they get bored.

Replace existing benches with retractable chairs and cushions (ala aircraft) to let members catch their 500 winks, whenever needed.

Allow members to smoke inside the house.

Bring in cheerleaders from various countries (ala IPL) and allow them to perform inside the parliament atleast once a week.

Announce a reward for the member who clocks in the maximum hours in parliament. This dude can then exchange the hours for frequent flier miles on various airlines.

Transform parliament into the base of a reality game show (ala big boss). This is already happening atleast partially. This will bring in some …

Ghosts in the White House..

In what could be termed as a development, US President George Bush has set up a high powered committee to bury all speculations on ghosts haunting the White House. The committee, including scientists and paranormal experts from around the country, will conduct extensive investigations and submit a report to the senate in the first week of December.

Action against the ghosts was on the US government agenda for a while now and the latest move may be driven by certain unexplained events that have happened in the recent past. White House Press Secretary Dana Perino feels that this move will put an end to all rumors about ghosts haunting the famous home of the most powerful man in the world.

Stories about ghostly haunting in the White House have been around for ages. It is said that Lincoln's ghost haunts the White House. He appears in the room where the Lincoln bed is kept. Harry Truman once responded to a 3 o'clock knock on his door and found no one there. When he returned to his …

India's moon mission and Pakistan's goon mission

In what could be construed as a response to India's efforts to expand its space exploration horizon, Pakistan has announced its plans for space research. Pakistan wants to become the first country to put a terrorist in orbit. This was revealed by Raza Hussain, Chairman of Pakistan Space and Upper Atmosphere Research Commission (SUPARCO) at a press conference organized in Karachi.

Raza said that off late SUPARCO was focusing on path breaking new initiatives to inject fresh life into the nation's sagging space programme. Pakistan's only presence in space so far is a satellite PAKSAT-1, situated at 38 degree E Long in a geo stationary orbit. This satellite has been leased from Hughes Global and the lease period will expire in 2011.

"Our aim is to become the first country to put a terrorist in orbit by 2040. We are working closely with China, which has copied technology from Russia and USA for this goal," he said. When asked as to why Pakistan wanted to send a terrori…

We are running out of tricks: Naresh Goyal

Jet Airways chairman Naresh Goyal has declared that his marketing and communications team has run out of ideas on pressurizing the government on the INR 5000 crore bailout package. “We have tried everything from tying up with competition to sacking our own employees-but nothing seems to be working. If this continues, we will have to resort to cheap tricks to make the government toe our line,” Goyal said.

Goyal was speaking at a team offsite organized by his marketing and communications team to come up with ideas for bagging the dough. “They first tied up with rival Kingfisher to avoid poaching passengers and evolve a route sharing agreement. When that didn’t work, Goyal offloaded almost 2000 employees without notice and then took the employees back under pressure from various quarters. Goyal and his team have lost the plot; infact Goyal reminds me of Vijay Mallya during the IPL days. That man also did not have a clue as to what was going on,” an aviation industry analyst told this blog…

Plainspeak: Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin, the flamboyant governor of Alaska, flew in to Mumbai last week for a special episode of the weekly show Toffee with Taran. The governor spoke about her plans for the forthcoming elections and the things she loves to hate. Here’s the exclusive transcript of the show.

Taran: Thanks Sarah for joining us on the show. How are you feeling tonight?
Sarah: Much better if you would leave out those 500 Pakistani politicians who want to take me out on a date. These guys are calling me day in and day out; apparently their president has set some sort of precedent. I am getting bouquets, CDs containing romantic songs, chocolates, books and one fellow even wanted to gift me the entire North-West Frontier province of their country along with over 350 donkeys. Am getting tired of this.

Taran: That figures. So how is the campaign coming?
Sarah: We are trailing the democrats, but hope to soon catch up as soon as we unleash our secret weapon.

Taran: Whats that?
Sarah: I will be posing for a prom…

The Osama Bin Laden interview

He is the most wanted freak on the planet. A fugitive sans remorse Osama Bin Laden is today living a life of solitude somewhere in the restive North West Frontier Province in Pakistan under the watchful eye of ISI. Our correspondent cum editor Rajcreep Sorefakeye travelled all the way to the western frontier of Pakistan and came back with a exclusive interview with the man. Presenting the first interview with Osama in over 5 years.

RS: Where have you been all this while?
O: I was quite busy. You see shifting bases every single day is a tough proposition. You have to ensure that everything, including documents, food, laptop, cigars, pokimon collection and the donkeys move with me. Now that’s a tall order. Once, in a hurry, I had to leave my pokimon langot collection that was subsequently destroyed in an air raid. I was Tarzan for almost 3-4 months till someone brought me some jocks from Peshawar. Those ‘bleeping’ air raids had fried my pokimon langots and one of my close donkeys and my a…

China not to 'raise' Karat this year

In a decision that is bound to affect the Karat household, China has decided not appraise the commie chief for the second appraisal cycle this year. This decision was taken by the Chinese Commie Chiefs in a late night meeting held in Beijing yesterday.

“Karat will not be eligible for the second appraisal cycle due technical reasons,” Xinhua, the official press agency of the Commie government, said in a report datelined Beijing released today. However, sources close to the Chinese commies have told this blogger that the move has more to do with Karat’s mishandling of the nuke deal that was signed between India and USA yesterday than anything else.

Chinese commies were betting on Karat to prevent the Indian government from signing the deal and had in fact pumped in millions of dollars from the funds earmarked for the Beijing Olympics for this purpose. Karat, according to sources, made extensive trips to Beijing over the last 26 months and was briefed extensively on the plan of action fo…

India's least wanted

The race to crown India’s least wanted character(s) has entered the next round. Yes, we are talking about the television show viewed by more viewers than a Bangladesh vs Bermuda world cup tie. Indian Idle season next promises to be more thrilling than its predecessor that put more than 50 people to sleep in its 14 week run.

Like its predecessor, this year’s contest brings together the nation’s most-hated and loathed people. These folks have done more to bring shame to the country than any of their fellow citizens and therefore deserve to be deported at the earliest. These are pests, jerks and freaks who the country hopes would stay idle for the betterment of the nation. The winner gets a one-way deportation ticket to Timbuktu and his Indian passport is revoked in a public ceremony.

The show has come a long way since the original Indian idle, Ravan, was crowned centuries ago. Since then, the nation has produced a fair share of freaks who have competed fiercely to outbid each other to th…

Lalloo is back in Hollywood

The Oriental express ***1\2

This film marks Lallo’s second tryst with Hollywood after the remarkable success of his last caper Silverlight.

In this movie, written and directed by James Cameragoon, Lallo is cast as a senior public relations manager with SETI in California. On a vacation to Macau island (China), he runs into journo Holly Vale (Katie Holmes) who is chasing a story on a Japanese tycoon acting in concert with terrorists to smuggle a thorium-based nuke weapon into the USA. The bomb is all ready but the terrorists now need a last component, a pico-detonator. The henchmen of the Japanese tycoon fly in to Macau to buy the detonator Chinese government agents.

Lallo instantly falls in love with the journo and the two now have 7 whole days (minus a public holiday) to have fun, do business and take the relationship further (since Holly is on a business visa). But events take a serious turn when the goons abduct Holly in a bid to derail the story. It’s now upto Lallo to shed his mild…

A casanova prez

Last week, the President of Bananic Republic of Pakistan was filmed doing the monkey act to perfection. The dude who considers himself to be a Casanova, tried to deploy his charms to impress hockey mom and US VP aspirant Sarah Palin. Our correspondent Rajcreep Sorefakeye travelled all the way to Washington and interviewed the dude on his state of mind. Here’s the exclusive interview.

RS: Whats wrong with you Mr. President? You were supposed to be on an official trip… how can you mix business with pleasure?
AZ: Dude, its all part of the new diplomatic strategy adopted by Pakistan. We no longer believe in just saying hello, hi and then talking business but, we feel that if we can impress the right people with our charms, we can get our work done faster.

RS: Yeah, I know last time your former PM tried the same on Condoleezza and landed up with egg on his and Pakistan’s face.
AZ: There will be some failures. But that doesn’t mean you give up so soon. You gotta keep the faith and try out n…